Escapism

I practised a little escapism with my sister, brother in-law and Michael at the wedding on Saturday night. We had a really good time dancing, talking and drinking - so much so that I felt the after effects yesterday.

The timing was perfect. I needed a crazy night to forget about my upcoming surgery and cancer. Even though I was wearing a hat at the wedding and a bandana at the reception, my actions didn't reflect that I'm sick. It was great.

Since I know life will change significantly (at least for a while) after my surgery, I'm counting down the days. Last week and the days up to my surgery have been a reprieve of sorts, because I feel great. I feel normal. I could forget I have cancer. But the surgery and subsequent chemo treatments will change that illusion.

The weekend, we're planning a family escape with a mini vacation. Since we don't know how I'll feel this summer, Michael and I felt it was important to do something fun as a family before the operation. We'll rent a hotel room, head to Canada's Wonderland, hit some garage sales and maybe see a movie. We'll simply spend time together as a family.

I also have some fun activities with friends planned for this week. It's like I'm trying to cram a whole lot of fun into my days. But hey, why not?

This morning, I have my preadmission appointment for my surgery next week. It's a trek back to reality. But I think I'm ready for it because I need to know what to expect and prepare for it mentally.

But even as I prepare mentally, I'm going to enjoy the next week and a half, and follow my mantra of one day at a time.

I hope you enjoy your day.
Tina

Irrational fears

Staying in the sun too long, injuring myself, exercising too much, germs, taking too much medication - these are all my new irrational fears. And I hate them.

Of course, I've got the very real ones swirling around in my head too. In fact, I had a terrible nightmare about my upcoming surgery Thursday night that had my moods swinging like a pendulum yesterday (angry, hopeful, pessimistic, positive, depressed). I read a book about treating ovarian cancer written by Harvard physicians shortly before bed and I think the information invaded my subconscious to appear in my dream.

But it's my irrational fears that drive me crazy. When I go for a walk, I slather on the sunscreen and cover my bald head, but I still worry I'm getting too much sun. The chemotherapy treatments make me more prone to the damaging effects of the sun (and skin cancer) so I have to be extra careful. I'm going to a garden wedding today so I'll don my SPF45 and jaunty straw hat, and try to push the fear from my mind.

As for injuring myself, I've had two minor accidents in the past few weeks that prove my body isn't bleeding or healing the same way. A couple of weeks ago, as I was enjoying a walk, I tripped over a jutting piece of sidewalk to hurtle head first toward the cement. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to twist my body so most of it fell on the grass. But I cut my palm. It bled briefly, but because my blood doesn't clot the same way, I never got a scab. As a result, I had an open flesh wound for about a week.

Then there was my unfortunate (and stupid) incident with the treadmill on Wednesday. I have an open treadmill burn on my knee. It isn't scabbing and closing, so I cover it with antibiotic cream and bandaids. It's going to look gorgeous at the wedding today.

I've already discussed the fears of exercising too much and tiring myself out, and the presence of germs in other blogs. Enough said.

Medication, in its many forms, are another irrational fear. I worry about taking too many antacids and what they're doing to my stomach as I try to cool the heartburn I experience from the chemotherapy. I use a anti-anxiety medication to help me sleep, but it can be addictive. I also wonder if the pain medication I take to stave off the deep bone pain will produce any lasting side effects.

Of course, I fear the chemo will cause long-term damage to my stomach, lungs or extremeties (apparently some people can temporarily or permanently lose sensation in their hands and feet due to chemo). Okay, so that last worry may not be so irrational.

We all have worries, mine have just expanded to include the ones associated with cancer - as real or imagined as they may be. It's just another aspect of this journey with which I'm dealing.

But as I mentioned, I have a wedding today so the fears can take a back seat (they often do when I'm participating in social events). I'll toast the happy couple, enjoy time with my family, and sit back and enjoy the day. Luckily, it's a beautiful one.

Enjoy your sunny Saturday,
Tina

Unbreakable spirit

Cannot defeat the soul
cannot shatter hope
cannot depress faith
cannot destroy homes
cannot limit humanity
cannot kill friendships
cannot silence courage
cannot ruin the soul
cannot reduce the spirit
can be overcome . . .
Cancer

I received a coin with this saying in the mail yesterday from kind friends, Reg and Cheryl Fickling. Reg, bless his soul, had the coin and a photo of me with my surgeon blessed. I feel thankful for support in many forms, and as a believer in God, this action really touched my heart.

Because of my faith, I feel somehow better about my surgery knowing my surgeon has been blessed - especially since he's the one doing the cutting while I lay there and sleep.

I will also carry the coin around with me. I think in my heart I believe and live these principles, but it never hurts to be reminded:

My soul and my spirit are completely separate from cancer. Like I said before, I'm still Tina and the cancer is an illness with which I must deal, but doesn't define who I am in my soul and spirit.

While cancer can sometimes test my hope and my faith, it isn't destroying them. There are days when I wonder - Why me? Why do I have this burden? Can I really beat this? - but luckily most days I feel positive. I have to admit, I've also been angry at God because I (and my family and friends) don't deserve this burden. But again, these thoughts are short lived.

For me, cancer has increased my faith in humanity, improved my friendships and strengthened my home life. A serious diagnosis can make or break these relationships. Mine are better, stronger and more loving. It's made me realize people, in all their goodness and kindness, and my relationships with them are far more important than material objects, disagreements in the past or my work. They provide the strength that sustains me. I believe cancer has changed these relationships for the long term. So it's a good outcome.

Finally, cancer cannot silence courage and can be overcome. I am scared. I fear my treatments won't work or my surgery won't be able to remove the cancer. But I face my chemo and the operation with courage and optimism. It's all I can do. I won't lie down and roll over. That's not me. I'm going to fight, as long and as hard as I can. If that's courageous, then I am.

And I have to believe my cancer can be overcome. I'm not ready to leave this world, and all it has to offer, just yet.

Enjoy this sunny Friday and all it has to offer you.
Tina

Confessions of a former gym rat

I was a self-professed gym rat, working out at least four days a week. I miss the endorphin rush from exercise. I miss the feeling of accomplishment. Yes, some days I had to drag my butt down to the gym, and I've had good workouts and bad ones - but I always felt better afterwards.

I miss the step, cycling and kickboxing classes. I miss the comraderie of the London Life gym and its awesome instructors. I even miss . . . wait for it . . . running.

My oncology nurse told me I could maintain almost all the activities I was doing before starting treatment - but to listen to my body. But I'm afraid to do too much because of my ascities and extreme tiredness. (My whole new set of fears and how I hate them is a subject for another day.) So my activity of choice over the past few weeks has been walking, sometimes for long distances. But it's not the same.

Besides, the week after chemo is challenging enough without tossing in exercise. And sometimes I feel my body just needs energy to fight and/or heal. Besides, those first two weeks post chemo, I don't want to expose myself to too many germs and risk infection (and you have to bet gyms have a lot of them).

But yesterday I went to the Carling Heights Community Centre. My mother in law wants to improve her shape but had never been to a gym. So she needed me to explain how to use the different equipment. While I was there, I hopped on the stepper and proceeded to work my calves. Then I ran on the treadmill. Neither activity lasted very long, but I did get a good sweat going. It was great.

But then, I did a dumb thing. I tried to hop back on the treadmill, while it was operating at a good clip. I know better. I was distracted and didn't think before I acted.

Maybe subconsciously, I'm testing my body to see if it'll heal itself as quickly as before. I fell and now have treadmill burn on my right knee and a bruise on my left shin - dummy. And because I didn't really bleed and my blood has clotting issues, I now have this oozing type sore. Just my luck.

But the exercise was good. It's got me thinking about doing a little more over the next two weeks. Maybe hit the pool and swim a few laps. Perhaps do a small run at a nice easy pace through my neighbourhood. I may even pull my bike out of the shed and go for a spin. Yes, I'll listen to my body. I tire easily and still need the energy to fight.

Of course, once I have the surgery, my exercise will consist of trying to get myself out of bed and walking the short distance to the bathroom. At least for the first while. Doesn't that sound strenuous?

But until June 17, I'm going to enjoy walking, visiting, lunching and exercising - because I can.

Perhaps you can think about incorporating a little activity in your day and kick some endorphins into gear. Your body will thank you for it.

Tina

The people make the place

While I enjoy what I do for a living, it's the people who make London Life special. I visited work yesterday (a 5-1/2 hour visit!) and left feeling energized and positive. While I couldn't see everyone (sorry to those I missed), I was lucky enough to visit with many, some whom I hadn't seen since my diagnosis.

I really enjoyed my day, the hugs, the words of encouragement, the lunch in the cafeteria and the compliments on my bald head (a source of curiosity) with its halo of white, yes white, fuzzy regrowth.

I'll say it again, I'm very lucky to work with an amazing group of people who are supportive, compassionate and kind. I look forward to returning to work - hopefully this fall.

My work visit (and comments over the past few weeks) also reaffirmed my reasons for blogging. Sometimes, I question writing a blog almost every day. Some days, as I sit in front of my computer, I wonder what I'm going to say and question if there's anything worthwhile to discuss. Amazingly, once I start writing, the words simply flow from my fingertips and a blog appears - of course, some are better than others. Other times, I feel as though I'm navel gazing and wonder who on earth would want to read what I wrote.

But many people told me they enjoy reading my blog every day and often gain insight from it. Some have ritualized its reading - every morning, every night. One person shared he's used the topics to start dinner conversations with his own family. Wow, what a compliment!

I gain personally from the experience because I find the writing therapeutic. I have to explain the process of my diagnosis and treatment, and decipher the medical jargon. It also forces me to look inside myself and deal with the emotional aspects of the disease so I can write about it.

Sharing my emotions and struggles with everyone is a step outside my comfort zone. Before this blog, I was a fairly private person, only discussing my personal issues with a select group or using a journal to capture thoughts and feelings. I have to admit, I sometimes feel exposed because so many people know so many close and personal things about me.

But I almost feel compelled to write. It's my way of reaching out to others, to keep people up to date, to demystify ovarian cancer, and to explain what it's like physically and emotionally to deal with a cancer experience.

So, I'm honoured my blog has an audience and people enjoy reading what I write. I'm especially touched that it helps provide some readers with insight into their own lives. And so, I'll continue to write.

Tina

Heading upward

On my roller coaster of emotions, I started the upward climb again yesterday. My sister and I went out to lunch, and talked and talked and talked. Not about my illness, but about life. It was great. Besides, how could I be down when my belly was full of shwarma from Barakat and ice cream from the Marble Slab?

Then two dear friends visited last night for a good visit. Again, we talked and talked. Maybe I just needed some of the energy those two visits provided.

Last night, I was asked if cancer hurt. I'd never even contemplated that before. No, cancer itself doesn't hurt, which is why it can grow into big masses without the individual knowing about it. Now that I have tumours (that's right, say it like Arnold, TOO-murs), I think I can occassionally feel one in my abdomen. But then again, it could also be my overactive imagination now that I know they exist.

I think cancer hurts when it affects the functioning of other body parts. For example, when the fluid (ascities) built up in my abdomen and pressed against my stomach, ribs and back, that hurt.

I'm also excited because I'm heading into work today and I'll be able to see some of my friends and colleagues (whoever is around because I'm not crashing any meetings). I need to pick up some of my dressy summer shoes for a wedding I'm attending this weekend, which are in my desk.

My positive mood today reinforces the roller coaster analogy I used yesterday (not to be confused with the roller coaster of investing for all those who worked on that concept with me). I know Michael is on that roller coaster with me, and I suspect some of my friends have also joined us for the ride.

Unfortunately, it's going to be bumpy, but we'll get through this together.

Tina

Trying

I feel I'm on a roller coaster. Many days, I'm zipping over the peaks of the ride. I'm positive, I'm enjoying the adventure and I'm anticipating the thrills of the highs to come. But over the weekend, I rode the downward slope.

I didn't hit bottom. I'm not despondent and hopeless (and I hope I never get there).

As I mentioned on Saturday, I'm worried. I feel twinges and pains (probably ones I've experienced every month of my life) yet they worry me now. I wonder, are the tumours growing? Are they spreading? What's with the weird pain in my thigh?

I read (in a damn book) that sometimes chemo doesn't always work as anticipated. So now I wonder if my chemo isn't shrinking my tumours and they're growing rampant in my abdomen. Even though this combination of drugs has been proven to best fight ovarian cancer, I am now irrationally questionning their effectiveness.

Maybe the biggest worry - and the one I'd shoved back in my subconscious until I got my surgery date - is that when they open me up, they'll discover the cancer is far worse than originally anticipated. Then what?

I also have a cold and didn't feel quite right on the weekend, which lowered my mood more.

But I did have some fun, which allowed me shift the focus away from me and the worries in my mind for a little while, which was exactly what I needed. I celebrated a 25th wedding anniversary on Saturday and we visited our bald (and now not so bald) friends on a whim in Port Franks - affectionately known as the spa - yesterday. Those activities helped.

I'm trying to stay positive - and boy, was I positive most of last week. I know it's better for me all around. It helps me focus on beating this cancer. It'll help me mentally prepare for surgery and recovery.

Some days are harder than others.

But I'm trying. I hope I can refocus and turn it around today. I'm having lunch with my sister, which is always good. And friends are coming over tonight (when I'll be able to wish my friend, Jacqueline a happy birthday + one day).

Maybe if you could all think positive thoughts today, it'll rub off on me. ;)

Tina