Just another normal day

I'm thrilled how much my life has changed in three short weeks. At the beginning of the month, I was consumed with fear my cancer was back and growing in the warm, dark cells of my body. I paid attention to every ache and it paralyzed me. I almost couldn't function.

Yet, now I'm living my life like a normal person. The aches and pains have dissapeared for the most part (can you say psychosomatic?). In a way, I feel silly for being so obsessed with cancer, but I honestly couldn't help myself. I was very, very afraid for a couple of reasons.

1. The return of the cancer that soon would have been a bad indicator of my longevity. The quicker it comes back, the more serious it is and the fewer years the individual MAY have. I felt as though this first check up was an indicator of the disease's hold on me. Irrational? Maybe. I know I have to be positive, but man, it's hard sometimes.

2. I didn't want to do chemotherapy again so soon. I didn't want to go back to fighting in the dark well. I know everyone's chemo experience is different, but the depression, skunky taste and bone pain memories linger with me and I didn't think I could go back there. Of course, if I had to, I would. I'll continue to do anything I can to kick ovarian cancer's butt.

Of course, I still think about cancer every single day. I probably always will. So many different things tweak the cancer memory in me.

When I need to reference the time when I was away from work, I remember. Sometimes I don't know how to refer to that eight-month time span. When I first returned to London Life, I started saying, "When I was sick." Funny, how I didn't say, "When I had cancer." Now it's progressed to, "When I was off." It sort of sanitizes the seriousness of the situation.

I also feel I'm rubbing cancer in people's faces when I talk about my experience and I know many of my colleagues still aren't comfortable with my cancer diagnosis (or the word cancer at all). So in a way, I feel I need to be sensitive to that. While I'm more than willing to talk about my cancer to anyone who is curious, I don't want to bring the topic up. Some people just don't want to know. Some people can't talk about it.

I also remember I had (I still can't believe I can say had. Yippee!) cancer when I run into someone I haven't seen in a while and they almost surprisingly comment, "You look good!" While I like hearing the compliments, it makes me feel as though people expect me to look sick. I'm certainly not withering away to nothing. Quite the contrary. My colour is good, my hair is back and I generally look good - albeit with lots of grey in my really short hair and more than a few pounds heavier.

I'm also reminded about my cancer when the disease is mentioned on a TV show or in a book, and other times my mind, unprompted, brings up the topic. At those times, I'll stop and be thankful. "I'm here," I say to myself. There was a time when I thought I wouldn't be. I love life!

While I am experiencing some lingering side effects, for the most part I feel pretty normal. When I get too tired, my bones still ache and my limbs swell. It's a heavier tiredness too. It's hard to explain. And I seem to exhaust myself more easily than before. After work, I don't seem to have as much energy as I once did to work around the house or help with homework.

While I complain about being tired these days, I don't think I'm alone. Everyone seems to be feeling the February blahs. Nothing some warm weather and sunshine won't cure. Thank goodness I'm heading to Florida in a few weeks. Aaahhh.

Never lament being "normal" because it's amazing how quickly life can turn around. Enjoy each day, and everything and everyone in it. It's a gift. I am truly thankful for my gift.

Tina