On the road

With the ascities building, the vomiting happening on an almost daily basis, my general slower pace and talk about Palliative Care, Michael and I have had conversations that maybe I'm on the road to the end. It may be a long, windy road full of wonderful surprises along the way, but it may be shorter than we want or hope. That's the bitch of this disease.

I still haven't seen the official report from my CT scan. Has the disease spread anywhere new and undesirable? I want to know how much the disease has shrunk. I want to know Dr W's opinion about where we go after the chemo holiday and how long he expects it to potentially be.

But it's scary being on the road to the end. Michael says he sees me dying a little bit every day, and as a result he dies a little bit every day too. He's noticed changes in me over the last month or so. I'm slower, I react less quickly, my eyes look different, I talk slower. Is it the disease causing these other symptoms or the residue from the cancer. It's hard to tell but it's also hard to take.

I've always been a go-getter, let's get her done kind of girl and now I can't do that. I can't even type as fast on my blackberry or my keyboard. I make more mistakes. It's as though I'm moving in slow motion while the world around me continues at it's usual (quick) pace.

I'm on the road, but let's hope this road has lots of ups on it and goes on for miles and miles.

Tina