I know some of you have been worried about me and I want to assure you, I'm better than I was on Wednesday. While I'm still sad and worried, I am not overwhelmed by it all (at least not all the time). It helps that I've been busy.
While at work on Wednesday, I got super busy, which prevented me from thinking about me, me, me. I plodded through my responsibilities, and made it through the day without too many break downs.
What I am is exhausted. Heavy emotions and lots of work make Tina a tired girl. My eyes feel gritty and sunk in their sockets, my vision is a bit wonky, I have the start of a headache and my body feels heavy. I know my activity level lately is contributing to the exhaustion, but then again, a niggling part in the back of my brain wonders if I'm so tired because my body is using some of its energy to create tumours. Scary.
Oh, the wild rollercoaster of emotions that come with having cancer. I'd love to return to the days when my biggest worries were my children, budget, work, garden, planning all the activities in my schedule, vacation, getting older, etc. Cancer puts it all in perspective. (Don't get me wrong, I still worry about everyday things like having a clean house when company comes over or what I'm going to make for dinner. I just have an added worry - and a big one at that.)
But I will persevere. Cancer is not a choice, but I will certainly not lie down to it!
What I need to do this weekend though is engage in some soul rejeuvenating activities. Luckily, I get to meet my friend's new baby tomorrow morning and hang with some of my favourite people. I'm really looking forward to that.
I do want to thank you for all your support over the past few days - hugs, emails, visits to my cube, flowers. I am a very lucky woman to have such great friends.
Life is good.
Tina
Friday, June 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Swirling emotions
Today is a bad day. I feel scared, sad, angry, disconnected and out of control.
Scared and sad
I've experienced a variety of pains lately. My biggest concern is one that regularly aches in my lower left abdomen. I know this was the location of the biggest tumour in the past and pain in that area automatically leads me to believe the cancer's growing out of control. The spot really bothered me last night as I tried to sleep. I palpated the area, as if I could feel the lump in my abdomen.
I get other aches, some that actually cause me to wince in pain. I had a terrible one in my side last Thursday. But then it moved around to the other side of my body - and then dissapeared - so I'm hoping it was gas or due to some other innocuous cause.
The potential cause of these pains make me fearful. I remember when my blogging friend Pateeta, who died of ovarian cancer a few months ago, talked about pains in her abdomen. She knew the cancer was back and then she died about eight months later.
I'm scared of what a reoccurence could mean for me. Will I start down the journey where I'll never feel well again. Will pain become a constant part of my life? I can handle treatment again if I get to experience good feelings and wellness in remission. But there are no guarantees.
It all makes me feel so sad - for me, my family and my friends.
At the wedding on the weekend, when my children looked so grown up and attractive in their fancy garb, I wondered if I would ever see them get married. I'm not ready to leave this life. I have way too much living yet to do.
Angry
So I get angry. This is not fair. I shouldn't have to deal with this yet again. I shouldn't have to think about dying in the short term, but years and years from now. I resent cancer's intrusion on my life. And to be honest, I'm still mad at God.
Disconnected
I'm also starting to feel a bit disconnected from segments of my life. Sure, I'm still working hard on projects for my job, but a portion of my mind wonders if I'll be around to complete them or if I'll have to go off work again. I sometimes sit in the frenzied activity of daily life and wonder if I belong. I sometimes feel so different than everyone else. It's a very lonely feeling.
Out of control
Over the past few days, I've heard a lot of comments about how strong I am and how I need to keep fighting. Of course, I'm not giving up! I have too many wonderful things in my life. Everyone is very sincere and supportive when they encourage me to keep fighting, but I kind of resent it too. So much is out of my control. I have done the very best I can and yet the cancer keeps coming back. My being strong will not prevent a reoccurence. Have others died of cancer because they weren't strong enough or positive enough? No.
Don't get me wrong, most days I'm positive and determined, but I will have days when I'm weepy and weak. Times when I feel discouraged and alone.
Today is one of those days.
Tina
Scared and sad
I've experienced a variety of pains lately. My biggest concern is one that regularly aches in my lower left abdomen. I know this was the location of the biggest tumour in the past and pain in that area automatically leads me to believe the cancer's growing out of control. The spot really bothered me last night as I tried to sleep. I palpated the area, as if I could feel the lump in my abdomen.
I get other aches, some that actually cause me to wince in pain. I had a terrible one in my side last Thursday. But then it moved around to the other side of my body - and then dissapeared - so I'm hoping it was gas or due to some other innocuous cause.
The potential cause of these pains make me fearful. I remember when my blogging friend Pateeta, who died of ovarian cancer a few months ago, talked about pains in her abdomen. She knew the cancer was back and then she died about eight months later.
I'm scared of what a reoccurence could mean for me. Will I start down the journey where I'll never feel well again. Will pain become a constant part of my life? I can handle treatment again if I get to experience good feelings and wellness in remission. But there are no guarantees.
It all makes me feel so sad - for me, my family and my friends.
At the wedding on the weekend, when my children looked so grown up and attractive in their fancy garb, I wondered if I would ever see them get married. I'm not ready to leave this life. I have way too much living yet to do.
Angry
So I get angry. This is not fair. I shouldn't have to deal with this yet again. I shouldn't have to think about dying in the short term, but years and years from now. I resent cancer's intrusion on my life. And to be honest, I'm still mad at God.
Disconnected
I'm also starting to feel a bit disconnected from segments of my life. Sure, I'm still working hard on projects for my job, but a portion of my mind wonders if I'll be around to complete them or if I'll have to go off work again. I sometimes sit in the frenzied activity of daily life and wonder if I belong. I sometimes feel so different than everyone else. It's a very lonely feeling.
Out of control
Over the past few days, I've heard a lot of comments about how strong I am and how I need to keep fighting. Of course, I'm not giving up! I have too many wonderful things in my life. Everyone is very sincere and supportive when they encourage me to keep fighting, but I kind of resent it too. So much is out of my control. I have done the very best I can and yet the cancer keeps coming back. My being strong will not prevent a reoccurence. Have others died of cancer because they weren't strong enough or positive enough? No.
Don't get me wrong, most days I'm positive and determined, but I will have days when I'm weepy and weak. Times when I feel discouraged and alone.
Today is one of those days.
Tina
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Breathe
The hoopla surrounding Margaret and Dennis' wedding is dying down and I've discovered I'm exhausted. After working more than full tilt for a few weeks, visiting with the relatives from overseas and all the wedding activties, I'm worn pretty thin.
Throw in the usual kid activities, more visits with the relatives who are still here and the underlying stress of wondering what will happen with me, and I feel as though I could crawl in my bed to sleep for a week. It helps that most of these activities are fun, but I only have so much energy. Luckily, it'll all wind down soon.
In a way, this hyperactivity has been a blessing because I haven't had much time to think about what could be happening in my body. Every so often, in the quiet of a soak or while lying in bed, I'll contemplate my future and what it holds, but otherwise, I'm just too darn busy.
I've also put some added pressure on myself. I feel I have to fit in fun and adventurous activities before my CT scan on June 28 - when my world could change yet again. But when? I need to get rid of the "should" attitude go with the flow. I need to enjoy the baby shower and stag and doe planned for this weekend and then anticipate my son's grade 8 graduation. I need to relish the visiting and any captured quiet time with a book.
Sure, I'd love to squeeze in that whitewater rafting trip I talked about last fall, but if thinking about scheduling it induces anxiety, it may not be worth the adventurous fun it would provide.
Deep breath and do what I can.
Breathe.
Tina
Throw in the usual kid activities, more visits with the relatives who are still here and the underlying stress of wondering what will happen with me, and I feel as though I could crawl in my bed to sleep for a week. It helps that most of these activities are fun, but I only have so much energy. Luckily, it'll all wind down soon.
In a way, this hyperactivity has been a blessing because I haven't had much time to think about what could be happening in my body. Every so often, in the quiet of a soak or while lying in bed, I'll contemplate my future and what it holds, but otherwise, I'm just too darn busy.
I've also put some added pressure on myself. I feel I have to fit in fun and adventurous activities before my CT scan on June 28 - when my world could change yet again. But when? I need to get rid of the "should" attitude go with the flow. I need to enjoy the baby shower and stag and doe planned for this weekend and then anticipate my son's grade 8 graduation. I need to relish the visiting and any captured quiet time with a book.
Sure, I'd love to squeeze in that whitewater rafting trip I talked about last fall, but if thinking about scheduling it induces anxiety, it may not be worth the adventurous fun it would provide.
Deep breath and do what I can.
Breathe.
Tina
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Love and happiness
Today my sister-in-law, Margaret, gets married for the first time (at 45 years old). I'm thrilled for both her and her almost-husband, Dennis.
Of course, these part few days have been filled with activities and events. On Thursday night, Tara and I joined the bride, her mother, the matron of honour, her daughter and a cousin here from Scotland for manicures and pedicures. It was Tara's first professional nail treatment and the manicurist added little special touches. She painted little white and gold daisies painted on Tara's fingernails and some hot pink and white designs on her toenails. My little monkey looked so pleased and proud of her pretty nails. I'm sure she showed them off to all her friends at school yesterday.
Last night was the rehearsal and dinner. Tara is the flower girl, Michael's a groomsman and Noah is walking his Omi down the aisle. They all needed to practise their parts. Then we all went to Margaret and Michael's parents afterwards for some food and, more importantly, drink. But it wasn't too late a night because my kids needed to get their precious sleep. Tara arose about 20 minutes ago and Noah, thank goodness, is still sleeping. Even though Michael and I wanted to sleep in, it wasn't in the cards, so we had a long soak in the hot tub instead.
This morning, Tara joins the wedding girls for a hair appointment and the photographer arrives at 1. We'll try to keep it fairly low key until the photographs so it isn't too overwhelming. (Tara wasn't thrilled when she learned at the rehearsal last night she has to walk down the aisle all by herself!) he ceremony is at 2:30 with the order of events thereafter being photos, cocktails, dinnner, speeches, party.
I'm the MC of the event, and while I usually abhor speaking in front of people, I'm pretty calm about all this (right now). I have my speech prepared, so I'm going to remain calm and cool. Hopefully that'll work. I'm not going to think about actually getting up in front of 140 people because that might freak me out. To be honest, I'm honoured to be part of Margaret and Dennis' special day.
As they begin their life together as husband and wife, I hope they remember this is just one day - a special day, no doubt - but only one in a lifetime together. It's important to enjoy the day, but it doesn't a marriage make. That's comprised of the happy, sad, ho-hum, sick, contented, angry and exciting days; in no particular order. A marriage is what a couple does on all the days that follow a wedding to keep their love alive and the lines of communication open.
I hope Margaret and Dennis have a fabulous day, full of fun and laughter, and a lifetime of happiness together, filled with love, understanding, forgiveness and joy.
I love you both. Congratulations.
Tina
Of course, these part few days have been filled with activities and events. On Thursday night, Tara and I joined the bride, her mother, the matron of honour, her daughter and a cousin here from Scotland for manicures and pedicures. It was Tara's first professional nail treatment and the manicurist added little special touches. She painted little white and gold daisies painted on Tara's fingernails and some hot pink and white designs on her toenails. My little monkey looked so pleased and proud of her pretty nails. I'm sure she showed them off to all her friends at school yesterday.
Last night was the rehearsal and dinner. Tara is the flower girl, Michael's a groomsman and Noah is walking his Omi down the aisle. They all needed to practise their parts. Then we all went to Margaret and Michael's parents afterwards for some food and, more importantly, drink. But it wasn't too late a night because my kids needed to get their precious sleep. Tara arose about 20 minutes ago and Noah, thank goodness, is still sleeping. Even though Michael and I wanted to sleep in, it wasn't in the cards, so we had a long soak in the hot tub instead.
This morning, Tara joins the wedding girls for a hair appointment and the photographer arrives at 1. We'll try to keep it fairly low key until the photographs so it isn't too overwhelming. (Tara wasn't thrilled when she learned at the rehearsal last night she has to walk down the aisle all by herself!) he ceremony is at 2:30 with the order of events thereafter being photos, cocktails, dinnner, speeches, party.
I'm the MC of the event, and while I usually abhor speaking in front of people, I'm pretty calm about all this (right now). I have my speech prepared, so I'm going to remain calm and cool. Hopefully that'll work. I'm not going to think about actually getting up in front of 140 people because that might freak me out. To be honest, I'm honoured to be part of Margaret and Dennis' special day.
As they begin their life together as husband and wife, I hope they remember this is just one day - a special day, no doubt - but only one in a lifetime together. It's important to enjoy the day, but it doesn't a marriage make. That's comprised of the happy, sad, ho-hum, sick, contented, angry and exciting days; in no particular order. A marriage is what a couple does on all the days that follow a wedding to keep their love alive and the lines of communication open.
I hope Margaret and Dennis have a fabulous day, full of fun and laughter, and a lifetime of happiness together, filled with love, understanding, forgiveness and joy.
I love you both. Congratulations.
Tina
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Forgive my forgetfulness
I've always had a great memory. I was known for remembering birthdays, phone numbers, tasks on my to-do list, events in the past, appointment dates, etc. Lately, though, I've noticed a marked decrease in this mental capacity - and it annoys me.
My poor sister-in-law, whose wedding is this Saturday (woo hoo!), must think I'm mental. I've forgotten a couple of appointments for fittings (good thing she had the foresight to mention them a few times), and she's had to repeatedly remind me about hair and nail appointments times. Lucky for me, she's been patient.
On the other hand, this forgetfulness frustrates me. I've actually completely missed two scheduled appointments with a therapist and a dentist in the last six months. It's so unlike me.
I know the culprit of my forgetfulness: two rounds of chemotherapy.
I'd heard about chemo brain, and experienced a bit of its mind-numbing effects during and after my first six treatments in 2009. But my grey matter rebounded quickly, and I felt I regained my mental prowess. After my second round of six treatments last summer, I experienced a noticable decline in my memory skills; one that continues today.
Ironically, the July 2011 issue of Chatelaine, which I was reading in the hot tub on the weekend, described chemo brain and its long-term effects.
""Chemo brain" may be more than just a short-term side effect of cancer treatment - new research shows it lasts at least five years. Researchers at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centre in Seattle followed 92 patients for five years and found that in about 40 per cent, mild verbal-memory deficits and motor-skill problems carried on to the five-year mark."
It went on to say that after chemo, many people are slower at processing information and have problems multi-tasking and solving word problems, but most tend to improve after five years. However, if this stupid cancer keeps reoccuring, with chemotherapy being the treatment, I'll never regain that lost brain function.
I'll just have to get even better at note taking and tracking appointments. Chemo brain is real, I just have to find ways to work with it. It will not defeat me.
Tina
P.S. The same issue of Chatelaine said the Journal of the American Heart Association reported one or more cups of coffee a day reduces your risk of stroke by 25 per cent. Yum! I reduce my chance of stroke every day, yet I can't keep thoughts from slipping out of my memory. Go figure.
My poor sister-in-law, whose wedding is this Saturday (woo hoo!), must think I'm mental. I've forgotten a couple of appointments for fittings (good thing she had the foresight to mention them a few times), and she's had to repeatedly remind me about hair and nail appointments times. Lucky for me, she's been patient.
On the other hand, this forgetfulness frustrates me. I've actually completely missed two scheduled appointments with a therapist and a dentist in the last six months. It's so unlike me.
I know the culprit of my forgetfulness: two rounds of chemotherapy.
I'd heard about chemo brain, and experienced a bit of its mind-numbing effects during and after my first six treatments in 2009. But my grey matter rebounded quickly, and I felt I regained my mental prowess. After my second round of six treatments last summer, I experienced a noticable decline in my memory skills; one that continues today.
Ironically, the July 2011 issue of Chatelaine, which I was reading in the hot tub on the weekend, described chemo brain and its long-term effects.
""Chemo brain" may be more than just a short-term side effect of cancer treatment - new research shows it lasts at least five years. Researchers at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centre in Seattle followed 92 patients for five years and found that in about 40 per cent, mild verbal-memory deficits and motor-skill problems carried on to the five-year mark."
It went on to say that after chemo, many people are slower at processing information and have problems multi-tasking and solving word problems, but most tend to improve after five years. However, if this stupid cancer keeps reoccuring, with chemotherapy being the treatment, I'll never regain that lost brain function.
I'll just have to get even better at note taking and tracking appointments. Chemo brain is real, I just have to find ways to work with it. It will not defeat me.
Tina
P.S. The same issue of Chatelaine said the Journal of the American Heart Association reported one or more cups of coffee a day reduces your risk of stroke by 25 per cent. Yum! I reduce my chance of stroke every day, yet I can't keep thoughts from slipping out of my memory. Go figure.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Calling all angels
I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to be positive these days. While I want to live my life with hope, happiness and positivity, those emotions have been evading me lately. I need to recapture them. I need to soak up the joy of every day and live it. But it's SO hard.
While I like my job and the project I'm working on, it's sucking up so much energy. The timelines are short, the details change every day and I feel very responsible (along with my fellow project warriors) for it all. Unrealistic? Yes. Atypical of me? No.
But when my right eye starts to twitch, I have work dreams, and I wake with a headache and that tight, squeezy feeling in my chest, the stress is too much. I didn't work last night and I'm trying very hard to adopt a different attitude today. It's not going so well yet. I'm really worried about my health (duh) and I argued with Noah three times this morning about showering thoroughly (so he doesn't smell) and cleaning his room. It was very frustrating.
Michael's work situation is equally stressful right now with departments moving out of the hospital and the impending postal strike. As the shipper/receiver, he's crazy busy right now. I know he's also really worried about me and what our future may hold. So we're both wound up a little too tight right now, with frazzled nerves and shortened fuses.
In my quest to acheive balance and listen to positive messages, I've been drawing angel cards each morning. I'm calling on the guidance of God and his angels to help me find balance. Some of the cards I've drawn over the past two days interestingly provided me with positive messages.
Archangel Raphael - He's one of the big two, along with Archangel Michael. Raphael's name means "God heals" and he's the heavenly, healing angel who oversees any health concerns. He jumped out of my deck while I was shuffling yesterday, which means I was supposed to get his message and then I drew him today. I'm taking his presence in my draw as a good sign that my prayers to get better are being heard. How that will manifest has yet to be revealed, but I believe in the message.
Visualize success - "See yourself doing well in this situation and have faith in a positive outcome." Of course, my focus during my card sessions is cancer and beating it. I drew this card yesterday. I'm sure it's telling me to be positive, think positive, believe in the positive. I'm trying and hopefully I'll get there soon.
Ascended masters - "Powerful, loving and wise spiritual teachers are watching over and guiding you." Excellent! The guidebook accompanying the card describes the ascended masters as powerful teachers and healers who once walked the earth. These include: Jesus, Quan Yin, the saints, Moses, Mother Mary, Ganesh and so forth.
Cancel, clear, delete - "Use only positive words and thoughts, as they're rapidly manifesting into form. Ask the angels to cancel the effects of past negative thinking." The guidebook asks, "Have you been complaining or worrying lately?" Of course I have. "The angels are asking you to be more aware of what you say, think and write about yourself." I'm supposed to catch myself saying something negative and then stop and sweep my hand at the wrist to push the energy of my words away from me. At the same time, I'm supposed to say, "cancel, clear, delete," like rebooting a computer.
While this sounds easy, it's a real challenge for me given everything that's happening. I'm not in a good mental space and part of me thinks I need to experience what I honestly feel as part of this journey. But on the other hand, the angels are telling me to get rid of the negative thoughts. I'm sure doing so will improve my mood and alleviate some of the stress. It may also allow me to enjoy each day more, which is my goal. So I'm going to try it. It certainly can't hurt.
I believe in the angels and wish I were better and stronger at listening to their messages. Like an fallible human, I can only do the best I can.
Tina
While I like my job and the project I'm working on, it's sucking up so much energy. The timelines are short, the details change every day and I feel very responsible (along with my fellow project warriors) for it all. Unrealistic? Yes. Atypical of me? No.
But when my right eye starts to twitch, I have work dreams, and I wake with a headache and that tight, squeezy feeling in my chest, the stress is too much. I didn't work last night and I'm trying very hard to adopt a different attitude today. It's not going so well yet. I'm really worried about my health (duh) and I argued with Noah three times this morning about showering thoroughly (so he doesn't smell) and cleaning his room. It was very frustrating.
Michael's work situation is equally stressful right now with departments moving out of the hospital and the impending postal strike. As the shipper/receiver, he's crazy busy right now. I know he's also really worried about me and what our future may hold. So we're both wound up a little too tight right now, with frazzled nerves and shortened fuses.
In my quest to acheive balance and listen to positive messages, I've been drawing angel cards each morning. I'm calling on the guidance of God and his angels to help me find balance. Some of the cards I've drawn over the past two days interestingly provided me with positive messages.
Archangel Raphael - He's one of the big two, along with Archangel Michael. Raphael's name means "God heals" and he's the heavenly, healing angel who oversees any health concerns. He jumped out of my deck while I was shuffling yesterday, which means I was supposed to get his message and then I drew him today. I'm taking his presence in my draw as a good sign that my prayers to get better are being heard. How that will manifest has yet to be revealed, but I believe in the message.
Visualize success - "See yourself doing well in this situation and have faith in a positive outcome." Of course, my focus during my card sessions is cancer and beating it. I drew this card yesterday. I'm sure it's telling me to be positive, think positive, believe in the positive. I'm trying and hopefully I'll get there soon.
Ascended masters - "Powerful, loving and wise spiritual teachers are watching over and guiding you." Excellent! The guidebook accompanying the card describes the ascended masters as powerful teachers and healers who once walked the earth. These include: Jesus, Quan Yin, the saints, Moses, Mother Mary, Ganesh and so forth.
Cancel, clear, delete - "Use only positive words and thoughts, as they're rapidly manifesting into form. Ask the angels to cancel the effects of past negative thinking." The guidebook asks, "Have you been complaining or worrying lately?" Of course I have. "The angels are asking you to be more aware of what you say, think and write about yourself." I'm supposed to catch myself saying something negative and then stop and sweep my hand at the wrist to push the energy of my words away from me. At the same time, I'm supposed to say, "cancel, clear, delete," like rebooting a computer.
While this sounds easy, it's a real challenge for me given everything that's happening. I'm not in a good mental space and part of me thinks I need to experience what I honestly feel as part of this journey. But on the other hand, the angels are telling me to get rid of the negative thoughts. I'm sure doing so will improve my mood and alleviate some of the stress. It may also allow me to enjoy each day more, which is my goal. So I'm going to try it. It certainly can't hurt.
I believe in the angels and wish I were better and stronger at listening to their messages. Like an fallible human, I can only do the best I can.
Tina
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Melancholy Wednesday
Like a balloon with a slow leak, my anger and excess energy escaped through the pinprick, leaving me with a deflated, latex shell. All that's remaining this morning is overwhelming sadness. I've been on the verge of tears most of the morning and I feel sorry for myself. I'm quiet and withdrawn. It's not a good way to start the day.
Of course, I'm at the starting line of another busy day at work. My project not only beckons, it's screeching at me to move faster and work harder. In a way, it's good I have this productive distraction and I'm working with people I like. My responsibility and connection to the specific tasks distract me, which gives me a different focus than sickness and cancer.
But it's not enough, because in the whole scheme of life, work is not one of the most important elements. Then I feel sad I'm devoting so much time and energy to it. But it's a tug of war in my brain - do a good job versus it doesn't really matter to your overall life.
Hopefully the sadness I'm feeling dissipates as I bury myself in writing,editing and organizing. Perhaps the touch of friendship will also ease the melancholy. I know I'm entitled to feel sad, and I will for as long as I need to, but it seems a bit of a shame on such a beautiful day.
Tina
Of course, I'm at the starting line of another busy day at work. My project not only beckons, it's screeching at me to move faster and work harder. In a way, it's good I have this productive distraction and I'm working with people I like. My responsibility and connection to the specific tasks distract me, which gives me a different focus than sickness and cancer.
But it's not enough, because in the whole scheme of life, work is not one of the most important elements. Then I feel sad I'm devoting so much time and energy to it. But it's a tug of war in my brain - do a good job versus it doesn't really matter to your overall life.
Hopefully the sadness I'm feeling dissipates as I bury myself in writing,editing and organizing. Perhaps the touch of friendship will also ease the melancholy. I know I'm entitled to feel sad, and I will for as long as I need to, but it seems a bit of a shame on such a beautiful day.
Tina
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