Swirling emotions

Today is a bad day. I feel scared, sad, angry, disconnected and out of control.

Scared and sad
I've experienced a variety of pains lately. My biggest concern is one that regularly aches in my lower left abdomen. I know this was the location of the biggest tumour in the past and pain in that area automatically leads me to believe the cancer's growing out of control. The spot really bothered me last night as I tried to sleep. I palpated the area, as if I could feel the lump in my abdomen.

I get other aches, some that actually cause me to wince in pain. I had a terrible one in my side last Thursday. But then it moved around to the other side of my body - and then dissapeared - so I'm hoping it was gas or due to some other innocuous cause.

The potential cause of these pains make me fearful. I remember when my blogging friend Pateeta, who died of ovarian cancer a few months ago, talked about pains in her abdomen. She knew the cancer was back and then she died about eight months later.

I'm scared of what a reoccurence could mean for me. Will I start down the journey where I'll never feel well again. Will pain become a constant part of my life? I can handle treatment again if I get to experience good feelings and wellness in remission. But there are no guarantees.

It all makes me feel so sad - for me, my family and my friends.

At the wedding on the weekend, when my children looked so grown up and attractive in their fancy garb, I wondered if I would ever see them get married. I'm not ready to leave this life. I have way too much living yet to do.

Angry
So I get angry. This is not fair. I shouldn't have to deal with this yet again. I shouldn't have to think about dying in the short term, but years and years from now. I resent cancer's intrusion on my life. And to be honest, I'm still mad at God.

Disconnected
I'm also starting to feel a bit disconnected from segments of my life. Sure, I'm still working hard on projects for my job, but a portion of my mind wonders if I'll be around to complete them or if I'll have to go off work again. I sometimes sit in the frenzied activity of daily life and wonder if I belong. I sometimes feel so different than everyone else. It's a very lonely feeling.

Out of control
Over the past few days, I've heard a lot of comments about how strong I am and how I need to keep fighting. Of course, I'm not giving up! I have too many wonderful things in my life. Everyone is very sincere and supportive when they encourage me to keep fighting, but I kind of resent it too. So much is out of my control. I have done the very best I can and yet the cancer keeps coming back. My being strong will not prevent a reoccurence. Have others died of cancer because they weren't strong enough or positive enough? No.

Don't get me wrong, most days I'm positive and determined, but I will have days when I'm weepy and weak. Times when I feel discouraged and alone.

Today is one of those days.

Tina