Super freak

My emotions over the past two days remind me of the little silver ball inside a pinball machine. They're all over the place and don't make much sense as they bounce from here to there. I got great news, I should be happy, thrilled, relieved and ready to get on with life. And while I do feel that way, I also feel exhausted, stressed, squeezed, nervous and teary.

Humans are complex creatures. We react to information, external stimuli and pressure in a myriad of ways. Some reactions don't even make sense. I'm confused by my reactions and emotions. That's why I think I'm a freak these days.

I got the news of my cancer remission mid-day on Tuesday. Afterwards I smiled and bounced as I walked around the cancer centre because I was so thrilled. I updated my blog and Facebook status so I could share my excitement with the world.

But for some weird reason, I didn't want to talk to anyone because I wasn't sure what to say. I'm happy with the news, but the cancer is still there. Maybe I was afraid others wouldn't feel as thrilled by the percentages and shrinkage. Perhaps I felt I failed to live up to the expection of banishing the dreaded tumours completely. I knew there would probably be some remnants of disease because of the nature of the beast that is ovarian cancer. While I hoped it would all just disappear, the likelihood was extremely slim.

Tuesday night, I completely crashed, and then my emotions went haywire. I think I'd been more worried and stressed than I thought about the appointment and once it was done, I was exhausted. In addition, the drinking of the radioactive dye, blood work and appointments take a lot out of a girl. As a result of my tiredness, I've been overreacting.

We've also been having some teenage trouble with our son lately. He doesn't listen well, hasn't put forth a consistent effort and seems to care less about his school work/projects than I do. I feel like the big, bad ogre forcing him to do more, do better, extend more effort. It stresses me out enormously (when I shouldn't be the one worried about his work). I feel like I constantly have to schedule all his projects and stay on top of him (in addition to the rest of life), which makes me feel a bit squeezed. I guess I just don't understand him because I was such a different student. I guess you would have called me a brown-nosed, studious, focussed kid. But that attitude got me far! I just want the best for my kids.

Of course, because I'm exhausted and stressed, my fuse has also been a bit shorter than normal. Then I feel bad about it - for both my kids.

Today, I'm a big lump. I feel down because I fought with Noah again this morning about his school work, I'm exhausted (emotionally and physically) and I'm sick of the cold. (I also had dreams of a sunny vacation that were dashed.) I think I just need a little time to myself to recharge my batteries.

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy about the status of my health. I'm thrilled I'm in remission. I am tentatively excited about going back to work (nervous too because it'll be one more thing to juggle with my limited energy) and I get to go to the London Knights hockey game tonight. There are many, many good things in my life.

I remember last year when I got news of my remissions, I had a weird emotional experience too. Everyone around me was so excited, and I was tentatively happy. I guess it's normal - or at least normal for me. Maybe I just have a lot of processing to do before I focus on the positive and move forward. But don't worry, I will get there. Just give me a little time.

I also want to say thank you to everyone who sent congratulatory emails, Facebook messages or blog posts. I am extremely grateful to you all. You're here on the journey with me, and I couldn't do it without you. So keep celebrating, I will catch up.

Love you.
Tina