Even though I was tired, I couldn't fall asleep last night. Like a curious squirrel circuitously exploring the trees in the park, my thoughts gamboled around in my head in the dark, instead of taking a break and allowing me to get some much-needed shut eye.
I thought about Pateeta's death and how hard it must be on her family. Then I thought about her young granddaughter, who may grow up with only hazy memories of her. Then I wondered if I'd ever had the chance to be a grandma, or see my kids get married or even watch them grow up. That lead me to focus on a pain in my abdomen (phantom pain, muscle strain, or something more serious?). Then I was angry I have this stupid disease and the unfairness of the situation.
Then my thoughts meandered to how busy it is at work, my attempts to exercise, my upcoming trip to Myrtle Beach and a bridal shower, I'm helping plan.
I also started making lists in my head. You know it's a bad sign when the mental assignment sheet plays a part in the pre-sleep countdown.
I got hot, I got cold. I flung covers aside and made a couple of trips to the bathroom. I'll admit, I huffed and sighed when I looked at the clock to discover I still hadn't dozed off an hour after turning off the light. Michael was soundly sleeping beside me. I envied his repose.
Even though I ceased taking lorazepam about two weeks ago, I needed it's mind-calming properties last night. So I popped half a pill and headed back to bed. Within five minutes, my mind felt heavier and calmer, and I was soundly asleep within 15 minutes. And I didn't wake once during the night.
And it's a good thing too because I have the feeling it's going to be another day full of mind gymnastics. With sleep, I'm better prepared.
Tina
Perhaps try taking homeopathic sleep aids now instead of lorazepam... a cup of chamomile tea with stevia can be soothing at bedtime, and if that doesn't help to doze you off, a couple of tablets of valerian root should do it... just some ideas to help you toward your goals of living and being healthier.
ReplyDeleteTina,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the loss of your blogging friend. Another tragic loss.
I know what it's like to have unstoppable thoughts tumbling around one's head during the night. It happens to me all the time. Those scary thoughts feel more powerful in the shadows of darkness... that's just a fact. Another reason to welcome each new day I guess! Take care and I hope you get some rest, Tina.
I've been having wild thoughts myself lately. My anxiety was so severe last week that I was just continuously feeling sick and trembling. It was awful. I've tied up some loose ends (may blog about them when its a less touchy subject!) and am feeling better. Just keep doing all you can to remain a healthy Tina-- its all we can do <3 Thinking of you!
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