On this date last year, I was eagerly anticipating celebrating the arrival of a new year. I was sure 2010 couldn't be worse than than 2009; the year in which I received my cancer diagnosis and battled the dreadful disease. I popped the top on a cold beverage and looked forward to the countdown to midnight.
Little did I know, 2010 would bring a similar set of woes. I once again endured treatment for a reoccurence, which sapped my strength and wreaked havoc with my emotions. This return of the evil beast brought many trips to Hamilton, a new doctor, a clinical trial drug and enhanced side effects. It also forced me to more closely examine my inevitable demise (which we all have to come to terms with sooner or later).
While I'll once again enjoy the new year's eve with close friends, good food, a few beverages and some cards, I will propose a different toast when the clock strikes midnight. Instead of cursing the year that passed (even though I have lots of reasons to do just that), I'm going to be grateful I was blessed with another 365 days on this earth.
I'm not going to try to forget the events of the past year because they enlightened me and made me stronger. Besides, lots of good things happened in 2010 too. I went to Myrtle Beach with my sister, and Florida with my family and in-laws. I enjoyed a few days at a beautiful cottage on a lake. My mom got through her cancer treatment and has a clean bill of health. We got a hot tub. I swam in the lake. I celebrated Easter, Christmas, the last day of school, Halloween and lots of birthdays. And most importantly of all, I had time to spend with those I love.
So goodbye to 2010, with all its ups and downs. Hello 2011. I hope you'll be kinder to me and my village. I hope you bring happiness, health, laughter and peace. Whatever happens, each sunrise brings promise, and I'll take each day one at a time.
Happy 2011 everyone!
Tina
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Doing cancer wrong
I needed some emotional healing (or food for thought) this morning, so I pulled out Kris Carr's book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips. When I need to put my feelings into perspective, she nudges me in the right direction.
On my cancer journey, I easily get sucked into a whirlwind of ideas and emotions, with no discernable way out. I sometimes need external forces like a book, a person or action to push me out of the swirling and back on a more grounded path.
The words written by one of the contributors in Carr's book really spoke to me this morning. She said she was fearful those who loved her would be disappointed if she ceased to be the do-it-all survivor. "There was a "right" way of having cancer and I was doing it wrong. No one blamed me, but I blamed myself," she wrote.
Her words reinforced I'm struggling with expectations right now. I feel when I have my big emotional slumps, sluggish days, rages and fearful episodes I'm letting down my village. I worry voicing my fears about my health, my cancer and the road to my death only brings those around me down (and you didn't sign up for this).
I've heard many people say they admire me for the way I'm dealing with this stupid disease, I'm so strong. I'm their hero. I have to admit, the praise makes me feel good. (I guess I'm a bit of a praise junkie.) But, I didn't sign up to be anyone's hero. Now I feel like I'm letting everyone down because I'm weak and scared. I'm doing cancer "wrong." I'm burdening everyone around me by talking about it. I'm scaring people away.
I also feel stuck. I'm scared to move forward because I fear cancer's return; sooner rather than later. I'm reluctant to write, and yet I promised I'd work on my book, so now I've let all those people down. I'm dwelling on getting sicker instead of focusing on getting better - and going out and enjoying life - which also disappoints all those who love me. It also mortifies me. I deserve better than this! (Am I screwed up, or what?)
I even feel guilty for writing this blog. But I'd be a hypocrit if I didn't because I commented on someone else's blog yesterday about being honest in one's writing:
"Blogging removes the privacy wall and, if we're honest, allows us to share insight and delve deeper into thoughts and emotions. Remember, each one of us is complicated and composed of both sunshine and night.
In our blogs, if we aren't honest about our true feelings, whatever they may be, we're dishonest to ourselves and our readers. If people don't want to hear the dips and rants, they can stop reading. But it's all part of the journey - whether it be losing your mom or battling cancer."
I closed my comment by saying I'd continue to read through her ups and downs. I know many of you will too - and for that I'm thankful.
Fighting cancer is a shitty job. Being the support angels beside the cancer survivor is an equally shitty fate. I'm so very thankful for those who prop me up when I'm feeling down. Thanks to all of you who stick with me through the craziness, I couldn't do it without you.
Tina
On my cancer journey, I easily get sucked into a whirlwind of ideas and emotions, with no discernable way out. I sometimes need external forces like a book, a person or action to push me out of the swirling and back on a more grounded path.
The words written by one of the contributors in Carr's book really spoke to me this morning. She said she was fearful those who loved her would be disappointed if she ceased to be the do-it-all survivor. "There was a "right" way of having cancer and I was doing it wrong. No one blamed me, but I blamed myself," she wrote.
Her words reinforced I'm struggling with expectations right now. I feel when I have my big emotional slumps, sluggish days, rages and fearful episodes I'm letting down my village. I worry voicing my fears about my health, my cancer and the road to my death only brings those around me down (and you didn't sign up for this).
I've heard many people say they admire me for the way I'm dealing with this stupid disease, I'm so strong. I'm their hero. I have to admit, the praise makes me feel good. (I guess I'm a bit of a praise junkie.) But, I didn't sign up to be anyone's hero. Now I feel like I'm letting everyone down because I'm weak and scared. I'm doing cancer "wrong." I'm burdening everyone around me by talking about it. I'm scaring people away.
I also feel stuck. I'm scared to move forward because I fear cancer's return; sooner rather than later. I'm reluctant to write, and yet I promised I'd work on my book, so now I've let all those people down. I'm dwelling on getting sicker instead of focusing on getting better - and going out and enjoying life - which also disappoints all those who love me. It also mortifies me. I deserve better than this! (Am I screwed up, or what?)
I even feel guilty for writing this blog. But I'd be a hypocrit if I didn't because I commented on someone else's blog yesterday about being honest in one's writing:
"Blogging removes the privacy wall and, if we're honest, allows us to share insight and delve deeper into thoughts and emotions. Remember, each one of us is complicated and composed of both sunshine and night.
In our blogs, if we aren't honest about our true feelings, whatever they may be, we're dishonest to ourselves and our readers. If people don't want to hear the dips and rants, they can stop reading. But it's all part of the journey - whether it be losing your mom or battling cancer."
I closed my comment by saying I'd continue to read through her ups and downs. I know many of you will too - and for that I'm thankful.
Fighting cancer is a shitty job. Being the support angels beside the cancer survivor is an equally shitty fate. I'm so very thankful for those who prop me up when I'm feeling down. Thanks to all of you who stick with me through the craziness, I couldn't do it without you.
Tina
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Blue
We prepare for months and then enjoy it all in a few days. Christmas is a wonderful, exasperating, awe inspiring, tiring, filling, delicious, worrisome and blessed time of year. I had a good holiday and was showered with many nice surprises. I was also able to watch the glee on others' faces as they opened their gifts. I like that part.
My house now looks like a whirlwind went through it, despite being cleaned really well on the Dec. 22, and my body feels the same way. That doesn't bode well for me doing anything about the messy house - at least not right away.
My home and energy levels are kicked, and so is my emotional state. I've decended into a blue funk over the past day or so, and am having trouble coming out of it. (Picture Elvis singing Blue Christmas.) It could be the fear over some pains that reappeared over the holidays. I experienced a sharp, consistent one in my lower, left abdomen that got really bad on Boxing Day. Then my right ribs started to hurt yesterday. Of course, my mind jumps to bad conclusions like tumours and ascities. I know I need to be positive and come up with reasonable explanations to these troublesome owies: scar tissue, doing too much, eating too much, gas.
Yup, I'm once again on the dip portion of the emotional roller coaster. Hopefully, it's one of those speedy ones right before the big, big climb upwards.
Luckily, I have casual new year's eve plans with some wonderful friends to anticipate. It's good to have fun events on the horizon. Now, I'll just have to do something about this house . . .
I hope you're holidays were/are awesome and you're having some fun and making some memories.
Tina
My house now looks like a whirlwind went through it, despite being cleaned really well on the Dec. 22, and my body feels the same way. That doesn't bode well for me doing anything about the messy house - at least not right away.
My home and energy levels are kicked, and so is my emotional state. I've decended into a blue funk over the past day or so, and am having trouble coming out of it. (Picture Elvis singing Blue Christmas.) It could be the fear over some pains that reappeared over the holidays. I experienced a sharp, consistent one in my lower, left abdomen that got really bad on Boxing Day. Then my right ribs started to hurt yesterday. Of course, my mind jumps to bad conclusions like tumours and ascities. I know I need to be positive and come up with reasonable explanations to these troublesome owies: scar tissue, doing too much, eating too much, gas.
Yup, I'm once again on the dip portion of the emotional roller coaster. Hopefully, it's one of those speedy ones right before the big, big climb upwards.
Luckily, I have casual new year's eve plans with some wonderful friends to anticipate. It's good to have fun events on the horizon. Now, I'll just have to do something about this house . . .
I hope you're holidays were/are awesome and you're having some fun and making some memories.
Tina
Friday, December 24, 2010
It's what you make it
Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.
~Janice Maeditere
This morning, as I sat in the hot tub, I turned my day around by thinking about all the wonderful things for which I'm thankful. It helped. I've been in a sad and grumpy mood, and I knew it was up to me to change it.
Last night, I was angry and sad after my little baking extravaganza. Even though I greatly reduced the number of treats I made, the experience left me hobbling and with a terrible abdominal pain. I broke down in tears and sobbed in Michael's arms. I was furious at the injustice of this stupid disease.
This morning, I woke lacking Christmas spirit. Quite honestly, I'm still angry, worried and sad. But I didn't want the holiday to simply slip by without joy in my heart, so I stopped and wondered how to improve my mood.
Then I remembered what I've always believed, Christmas is what you make it. It's about opening my heart. It's about recalling the reason for the season: the birth of Jesus. It's about giving, not receiving. It's about being with my family and friends. It's recalling the generosity of others.
So I sat in the swirling warm waters and remembered:
- I'm alive and kicking, here to celebrate.
- I'm an Olaparib girl. I got chosen to receive the potentially life-saving drug.
- My mom's surgery, chemo and treatments went well and she's in remission.
- The hot tub helps Michael's ankle and reduces his stress level, which improves his health. (Even though he admits he's really worried about me).
- Oh, and then there's the hot tub.
- The generous friends and family who are still supporting us. Wow!
- That Noah's now in the mental health medical system and has a social worker to help with his anger management issues.
- Tara is a sweet, giving, 9-year old girl who is turning into an excellent horse rider.
- The next few days are going to be filled with good food, tasty beverages and excellent company.
- Did I mention the hot tub?
When I went grocery shopping this morning, I hummed as I strolled down the aisles. I smiled at others in the store. I wished the cashier a Merry Christmas. I turned the day around in my mind and I am going to do my very best to make it an awesome day.
I hope you have a very merry, blessed and fun-filled Christmas. (Remember, it's what you make it.)
God bless,
Tina
~Janice Maeditere
This morning, as I sat in the hot tub, I turned my day around by thinking about all the wonderful things for which I'm thankful. It helped. I've been in a sad and grumpy mood, and I knew it was up to me to change it.
Last night, I was angry and sad after my little baking extravaganza. Even though I greatly reduced the number of treats I made, the experience left me hobbling and with a terrible abdominal pain. I broke down in tears and sobbed in Michael's arms. I was furious at the injustice of this stupid disease.
This morning, I woke lacking Christmas spirit. Quite honestly, I'm still angry, worried and sad. But I didn't want the holiday to simply slip by without joy in my heart, so I stopped and wondered how to improve my mood.
Then I remembered what I've always believed, Christmas is what you make it. It's about opening my heart. It's about recalling the reason for the season: the birth of Jesus. It's about giving, not receiving. It's about being with my family and friends. It's recalling the generosity of others.
So I sat in the swirling warm waters and remembered:
- I'm alive and kicking, here to celebrate.
- I'm an Olaparib girl. I got chosen to receive the potentially life-saving drug.
- My mom's surgery, chemo and treatments went well and she's in remission.
- The hot tub helps Michael's ankle and reduces his stress level, which improves his health. (Even though he admits he's really worried about me).
- Oh, and then there's the hot tub.
- The generous friends and family who are still supporting us. Wow!
- That Noah's now in the mental health medical system and has a social worker to help with his anger management issues.
- Tara is a sweet, giving, 9-year old girl who is turning into an excellent horse rider.
- The next few days are going to be filled with good food, tasty beverages and excellent company.
- Did I mention the hot tub?
When I went grocery shopping this morning, I hummed as I strolled down the aisles. I smiled at others in the store. I wished the cashier a Merry Christmas. I turned the day around in my mind and I am going to do my very best to make it an awesome day.
I hope you have a very merry, blessed and fun-filled Christmas. (Remember, it's what you make it.)
God bless,
Tina
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas spirits
My procrastinating ways caught up with me and I'm now feeling the pressure. Don't worry, it's not too bad and if some chores don't get done, they don't get done.
But I'm heading out the doors soon to brave the crowds and pick up a few things. I'll do my last-minute groceries tomorrow morning after I drop Michael off at work. Hopefully the early hour will mean fewer shoppers, but maybe everyone else will have the exact same idea as me. Regardless, it'll be what it'll be.
I've got to hit the LCBO today to get some wine. I'm sure merry individuals will be also be shopping for some Christmas cheer (or maybe they won't be so merry because they haven't started to imbibe). I also need ink for my printer. Of course, when I have an important project to print, I'm out of ink. So it always goes.
My kids are out shopping with their grandmother (Omi). She takes them to the dollar store every year where they pick out "thoughtful" gifts for everyone. It doesn't really matter what I get, the gift is from my kids and chosen with love - and that's what counts.
That's what Christmas is all about - love, family, friends and cheer (yup, I'm talking the wine again).
Tina
But I'm heading out the doors soon to brave the crowds and pick up a few things. I'll do my last-minute groceries tomorrow morning after I drop Michael off at work. Hopefully the early hour will mean fewer shoppers, but maybe everyone else will have the exact same idea as me. Regardless, it'll be what it'll be.
I've got to hit the LCBO today to get some wine. I'm sure merry individuals will be also be shopping for some Christmas cheer (or maybe they won't be so merry because they haven't started to imbibe). I also need ink for my printer. Of course, when I have an important project to print, I'm out of ink. So it always goes.
My kids are out shopping with their grandmother (Omi). She takes them to the dollar store every year where they pick out "thoughtful" gifts for everyone. It doesn't really matter what I get, the gift is from my kids and chosen with love - and that's what counts.
That's what Christmas is all about - love, family, friends and cheer (yup, I'm talking the wine again).
Tina
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tina, the elf
The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear. - Elf
I'm shaking off the bah humbugs today and doing what I can to capture Christmas cheer. I started the day by donning my elf hat and making a few toys. Er, okay, I wrapped a few toys. Well, actually I wrapped some chocolate and special electronics for my kids. But let's not get hung up on semantics. I was Tina the Elf.
In a little while, when the entire household is awake, I'm going to slide a Christmas CD into the player at my desk and let the carols wash over me. I'll probably even sing along as I make my lists and check them twice.
Tomorrow my littlest elf and I will pull the flour, sugar and chocolate chips from the cupboard and bake some Christmas treats. Of course, the carols will still be playing in the background. We'll probably sing and dance as delicious smells waft from the oven. My eldest elf will wander upstairs to assume the role of official taste tester of the 2010 Baking Extravaganza.
Then I just have to groceries and make a homemade clendar for my in-laws (shhhh), and I'm ready. I guess I'd better be because it's only three sleeps until Santa comes. Maybe it was a subconscious gesture to leave some of these tasks until the last minute so I could infuse my home with the spirit at the right time.
Enjoy these last few days before Christmas and remember, there's room for everybody on the nice list.
Tina, the Elf
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
A day to be sad
The Christmas carol chimes, "It's the hap, happiest season of all . . . " So why do I feel sad and disgruntled today?
I LOVE Christmas, but for some reason, I can't seem to capture the spirit of the festivities this year. I'm trying, for the sake of my kids, I'm trying. The little trek to Toronto was part of the effort. I did enjoy most of it, but by yesterday morning I was ready to come home. The most important part was the kids had a good time and we spent time as a family making memories. I seem a little fixated on that these days.
I do have flashes of Christmas spirit when I feel happy and content, but today isn't one of them. I think I'm tired and worried. I have a nagging sensation in my abdomen that radiates. Sometimes it's slightly painful and other times it's just a presence. Regardless, it worries me.
Oh, I'm sure there are lots of different, benign explanations for it, but until I go for my appointment in mid-January and get the results of my next CT scan, I think I'm going to worry. I may even be nervous after that. Oh, the horrible ramifications of battling cancer.
I can't help myself. Last time I believed I'd beaten this stupid disease and I was wrong. I want to believe it this time, but I can't. I can't help but think it's still lurking. I'm having a hard time with the holidays, planning my return to work and life in general today.
I think the expectations of Christmas and how special the holiday is to me only contributes to my unease. I love the traditions and visiting of this season. I want to sit back and enjoy it, but because of the possibility my Christmases are numbered, I feel incapable to doing just that. How stupidly ironic.
I'm also sad because of the limitations my body now puts on me. I really noticed in Toronto how quickly I got sore and tired from simply walking too much. My muscle tone is diminishing and I don't feel up to all the excursions and activities we'd like to do. Part of me is mad at myself and how much the disease has robbed from me.
As a result of my physical limitations, my roller-coaster emotions and my mental block around planning for the future, I feel I'm letting everyone around me down. I feel like I'm holding Michael back from enjoying activities. I worry I'm a bad employee because I'm mentally and physically not ready to return to work. I fret when I don't have energy for the kids.
I pray these fearful and inadequate feelings are temporary. Hopefully, I'll get caught up in the happiness of the holiday very soon.
Regardless of this sadness, I am truly thankful for every single day. I'm thankful for another Christmas. I'm relieved my cancer seems to have settled down. I'm blessed to have my supportive family and friends. And I'm happy I have a day to just be sad, so maybe tomorrow I can be happy.
One day at a time.
Tina
I LOVE Christmas, but for some reason, I can't seem to capture the spirit of the festivities this year. I'm trying, for the sake of my kids, I'm trying. The little trek to Toronto was part of the effort. I did enjoy most of it, but by yesterday morning I was ready to come home. The most important part was the kids had a good time and we spent time as a family making memories. I seem a little fixated on that these days.
I do have flashes of Christmas spirit when I feel happy and content, but today isn't one of them. I think I'm tired and worried. I have a nagging sensation in my abdomen that radiates. Sometimes it's slightly painful and other times it's just a presence. Regardless, it worries me.
Oh, I'm sure there are lots of different, benign explanations for it, but until I go for my appointment in mid-January and get the results of my next CT scan, I think I'm going to worry. I may even be nervous after that. Oh, the horrible ramifications of battling cancer.
I can't help myself. Last time I believed I'd beaten this stupid disease and I was wrong. I want to believe it this time, but I can't. I can't help but think it's still lurking. I'm having a hard time with the holidays, planning my return to work and life in general today.
I think the expectations of Christmas and how special the holiday is to me only contributes to my unease. I love the traditions and visiting of this season. I want to sit back and enjoy it, but because of the possibility my Christmases are numbered, I feel incapable to doing just that. How stupidly ironic.
I'm also sad because of the limitations my body now puts on me. I really noticed in Toronto how quickly I got sore and tired from simply walking too much. My muscle tone is diminishing and I don't feel up to all the excursions and activities we'd like to do. Part of me is mad at myself and how much the disease has robbed from me.
As a result of my physical limitations, my roller-coaster emotions and my mental block around planning for the future, I feel I'm letting everyone around me down. I feel like I'm holding Michael back from enjoying activities. I worry I'm a bad employee because I'm mentally and physically not ready to return to work. I fret when I don't have energy for the kids.
I pray these fearful and inadequate feelings are temporary. Hopefully, I'll get caught up in the happiness of the holiday very soon.
Regardless of this sadness, I am truly thankful for every single day. I'm thankful for another Christmas. I'm relieved my cancer seems to have settled down. I'm blessed to have my supportive family and friends. And I'm happy I have a day to just be sad, so maybe tomorrow I can be happy.
One day at a time.
Tina
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