Doing cancer wrong

I needed some emotional healing (or food for thought) this morning, so I pulled out Kris Carr's book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips. When I need to put my feelings into perspective, she nudges me in the right direction.

On my cancer journey, I easily get sucked into a whirlwind of ideas and emotions, with no discernable way out. I sometimes need external forces like a book, a person or action to push me out of the swirling and back on a more grounded path.

The words written by one of the contributors in Carr's book really spoke to me this morning. She said she was fearful those who loved her would be disappointed if she ceased to be the do-it-all survivor. "There was a "right" way of having cancer and I was doing it wrong. No one blamed me, but I blamed myself," she wrote.

Her words reinforced I'm struggling with expectations right now. I feel when I have my big emotional slumps, sluggish days, rages and fearful episodes I'm letting down my village. I worry voicing my fears about my health, my cancer and the road to my death only brings those around me down (and you didn't sign up for this).

I've heard many people say they admire me for the way I'm dealing with this stupid disease, I'm so strong. I'm their hero. I have to admit, the praise makes me feel good. (I guess I'm a bit of a praise junkie.) But, I didn't sign up to be anyone's hero. Now I feel like I'm letting everyone down because I'm weak and scared. I'm doing cancer "wrong." I'm burdening everyone around me by talking about it. I'm scaring people away.

I also feel stuck. I'm scared to move forward because I fear cancer's return; sooner rather than later. I'm reluctant to write, and yet I promised I'd work on my book, so now I've let all those people down. I'm dwelling on getting sicker instead of focusing on getting better - and going out and enjoying life - which also disappoints all those who love me. It also mortifies me. I deserve better than this! (Am I screwed up, or what?)

I even feel guilty for writing this blog. But I'd be a hypocrit if I didn't because I commented on someone else's blog yesterday about being honest in one's writing:

"Blogging removes the privacy wall and, if we're honest, allows us to share insight and delve deeper into thoughts and emotions. Remember, each one of us is complicated and composed of both sunshine and night.

In our blogs, if we aren't honest about our true feelings, whatever they may be, we're dishonest to ourselves and our readers. If people don't want to hear the dips and rants, they can stop reading. But it's all part of the journey - whether it be losing your mom or battling cancer."

I closed my comment by saying I'd continue to read through her ups and downs. I know many of you will too - and for that I'm thankful.

Fighting cancer is a shitty job. Being the support angels beside the cancer survivor is an equally shitty fate. I'm so very thankful for those who prop me up when I'm feeling down. Thanks to all of you who stick with me through the craziness, I couldn't do it without you.

Tina