A day to be sad

The Christmas carol chimes, "It's the hap, happiest season of all . . . " So why do I feel sad and disgruntled today?

I LOVE Christmas, but for some reason, I can't seem to capture the spirit of the festivities this year. I'm trying, for the sake of my kids, I'm trying. The little trek to Toronto was part of the effort. I did enjoy most of it, but by yesterday morning I was ready to come home. The most important part was the kids had a good time and we spent time as a family making memories. I seem a little fixated on that these days.

I do have flashes of Christmas spirit when I feel happy and content, but today isn't one of them. I think I'm tired and worried. I have a nagging sensation in my abdomen that radiates. Sometimes it's slightly painful and other times it's just a presence. Regardless, it worries me.

Oh, I'm sure there are lots of different, benign explanations for it, but until I go for my appointment in mid-January and get the results of my next CT scan, I think I'm going to worry. I may even be nervous after that. Oh, the horrible ramifications of battling cancer.

I can't help myself. Last time I believed I'd beaten this stupid disease and I was wrong. I want to believe it this time, but I can't. I can't help but think it's still lurking. I'm having a hard time with the holidays, planning my return to work and life in general today.

I think the expectations of Christmas and how special the holiday is to me only contributes to my unease. I love the traditions and visiting of this season. I want to sit back and enjoy it, but because of the possibility my Christmases are numbered, I feel incapable to doing just that. How stupidly ironic.

I'm also sad because of the limitations my body now puts on me. I really noticed in Toronto how quickly I got sore and tired from simply walking too much. My muscle tone is diminishing and I don't feel up to all the excursions and activities we'd like to do. Part of me is mad at myself and how much the disease has robbed from me.

As a result of my physical limitations, my roller-coaster emotions and my mental block around planning for the future, I feel I'm letting everyone around me down. I feel like I'm holding Michael back from enjoying activities. I worry I'm a bad employee because I'm mentally and physically not ready to return to work. I fret when I don't have energy for the kids.

I pray these fearful and inadequate feelings are temporary. Hopefully, I'll get caught up in the happiness of the holiday very soon.

Regardless of this sadness, I am truly thankful for every single day. I'm thankful for another Christmas. I'm relieved my cancer seems to have settled down. I'm blessed to have my supportive family and friends. And I'm happy I have a day to just be sad, so maybe tomorrow I can be happy.

One day at a time.
Tina