Lack of control

I hate feeling like I'm out of control. It's the sensation that life is merrily chugging along while I'm stuck in one place. This horrible feeling gets worse when I enter the terrible chemo days. It's almost as if my mind shuts down and refuses to deal with the issues of everyday life. Simple questions, decisions and problems become amplified in my head and bombard me.

Sometimes there are important decisions to make during these types of days, which makes matters worse. But when I try to concentrate and make my usual logical decisions, I feel antsy and anxious. Almost any decision feels wrong.

For example, right now, Michael and I are trying to sell our motorcycle. It's a beautiful bike and we love the way it looks and rides, but it refuses to work properly. It's a 25-year-old bike and even though we've put various new parts on it and brought it in for the skillful ministrations of several mechanics, it refuses to work properly. So we've decided to sell it and cut our losses rather than sink more money into the machine.

A man came over to see it last night. He is very interested in the bike and is actually making an offer. While part of me wants the bike sold and out of our hair, it all happened too quickly. We posted the listing on kijiji on Sunday and we had two offers last night (one online, sight unseen).

I think part of the reluctance is I wish we didn't have to get rid of the bike. Yes, it makes the most sense logically and economically, but it's fun. Even though I haven't been able to ride it the past two summers because of the weakness associated with treatment, it is an exhilarating, scary, exciting experience to ride a motorcycle.

Another part of the problem is I feel we're getting rid of all our toys. The scooter, which was super fun to drive too, died earlier this year and we decided not to replace it at this time. The bike is going to a new home and we have no immediate plans to replace it (although I know which type of bike I'd like next). We're left with a mini van. How boring.

While Michael and I have been casually looking for a good used car over the past few months, we haven't seriously considered anything. If I'm off on leave, we'll probably need a second car for when the weather gets bad. We'd like a little, fuel-efficient, economical car that's reasonably priced. Yes, there are some out there, but need to find the right one.

Well, Michael had a minor accident on his bicycle in the rain last night and stopped by our mechanic to wash the blood off his hands. While there, he mentioned our car search and our mechanic just so happens to have a car for sale. It's bigger than we'd like and not as fuel efficient, but it's in good shape and a good price. So now we have this to think about. At a time when I'm not good at making decisions.

To add to my feelings of being out of control, the pain in my legs was incredible last night. I couldn't get comfortable and moved them around restlessly all night. At one point, I even considered taking a Tylenol 3 to numb the pain. I usually have a better handle on the discomfort, but not last night.

I slept terribly, with disjointed, strange dreams about motorcycles and cars. So now I feel tired, cranky, sore and out of control. Not a good combination. Michael and the kids should feel lucky they're not around me today.

Yet, ironically when I drew an angel card this morning - something I haven't done in quite a while - it focused on regaining control of my life and my decisions. It was an eerie feeling reading that card. I'm not quite sure how to do that right now, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Maybe in a day or two when I'm out of this chemo funk and am thinking logically again.

Until then, I'm going to postpone decisions or let Michael take the lead. Sounds like a plan.

Tina