Need to get positive

So do you like the new look of my blog? I thought a change was in order, given I'm moving on to the next stage of my treatment.

That's the optimistic attitude I wish I had this morning. I have to admit, I'm not feeling very positive because I'm scared.

I woke in the night with pain under my left rib. It reminds me of the pain I got when I had fluid in my abdomen. Automatically, I wonder if the tumour is growing again and producing ascities. My brain says, "That's impossible. It's just over two weeks since your last treatment. And the tumour was responding to treatment and shrinking after the third dose. The chemo and Olaparib are working to fight those nasty cancer cells. A return of the ascities is impossible."

But my heart and emotions are sending different signals, which make me nervous. Maybe they're making mountains out of mole hills. (I sure hope so.)

I want to be positive. I want to believe my CT scan will show the tumour is gone (best case scenario) or reduced to a teeny, tiny speck. I want to hear the EEG results show the chemo didn't damage my heart. I want to start on the Olaparib on Thursday with minimal side effects, knowing it'll keep killing the cancer. I want to believe my best laid plans are going to happen.

Powerful fear
But in the back of my mind, nasty, negative thoughts are creeping into my consciousness. These include: the chemo and Olaparib stopped working after my mid-cycle CT scan and the tumour is growing. I'm going to have to go on chemo (a different kind) again. Or, the Olaparib will cause debilitating side effects in me.

Of course, the biggest fear is hearing there's nothing we can do. We estimate you have x amount of time left.

Okay, so that's the worst case scenario. I'm Mrs. Positive this morning, eh? Fear of the unknown is a powerful emotion.


I'm going to have to pull out some positive reading material and boost my attitude. I think part of my negativity comes from extreme tiredness. I have low hemoglobin and I feel like I've been kicked around the block a few times by the six rounds of chemo. When I'm tired, I have more trouble feeling positive. But I'll get there.

My angel card readings over the last two days have been positive. They emphasized that beliefs become reality and can produce some amazing results.

I need to believe
The cancer is responding to the treatment and is miniscule or gone.

The Olaparib is going to continue to kill any residual cancer in me - forever.

I'm not going to have any side effects from the Olaparib. My tastebuds are going to remain. The acid reflux will be minimal. I'll adjust to the restrictive time frames associated with the drug and it'll just become part of life (and make it easy to lose weight).

Once my red blood cells replenish themselves, I'll get my energy back to work around the house and yard, socialize more and start exercising again.

I'll become the poster girl for Olaparib, the wonder drug. (Okay, that's pushing it, but I do hope the drug becomes the next best thing for treating women with BRCA cancers.)

So magic genie, God, the angels and all the good karma in the world, I'm asking these five wishes come true. I know it's a tall order, but I have to believe it's possible.

The plan
I get my CT scan and EEG in Hamilton tomorrow. It'll be a day of wandering around the hospital (I tend to get lost) and subjecting myself to the tests. But I'll be with my sister, which is always fun.

On Wednesday, I give blood and see Dr. H. My appointment isn't until 3:30 p.m., so I won't be blogging until late Wednesday or Thursday morning. I know some of you anxiously wait to hear the results, so don't worry if you don't hear from me right away.

One thing is definite, I move forward this week in whatever direction God has planned for me.

Fingers crossed it's the healthy, long path.
Tina