Rough time

Maybe it's because I  know it's my last one, but I am very, very impatient with the recovery process this time. I feel awful and lethargic. I think I'm trying to will myself out of the post-chemo symptoms because when I start to feel better, I'll stay feeling better.

But no matter how strong my willpower or how much I want it, I can't will the toxic chemicals out of my body. I have to let the ninjas work and let them use all my energy to eat away at the cancer.

My sister has been great about reminding me of these facts. I tell her I feel guilty for feeling so terrible and not being able to do anything. I lament that I'm whining and she assures me reporting my symptoms is not complaining. She lets me moan and she commiserates - and then she reminds me it's the last one.

I am so lethargic I can barely function. I'm walking around like I'm in a fog. I hate that nothing seems to have any meaning. I know it's the chemo (and I hate it), but I don't care about anything that's going on around me. I just don't have the energy.

The bone pain is kicking in too. Then I'll have the stabbing pains in my legs, feet, knees, hands and wrists. I'll swallow my extra strength Tylenol or Tylenol 3s (depending on how severe it is) and wait some more.

I hate to wish away days, but that's what I'm doing.

But one day - very soon - I'll come out of the fog and be back in the world where it all matters. And I'll be thankful to be there.

Tina