Last summer, my social worker invited me to select a small, metal icon out of a big, glass bowl. I rooted around, looking at the designs and words carved into them until I found the one that spoke to me. I carried it around everywhere during my treatment last year. I'd often rub my fingers over its bumpy pattern and draw strength from what it represented to me.
I'd transfer this small metal cross carved with a vine, leaves and the word grace daily from one pocket to another. When the clothes I selected lacked a pocket, I'd toss it in my purse or wallet.
Last spring, I misplaced this protective talisman. It'd been with me throughout most of my chemo and all my remission. Yet, when I was going into treatment for the second time, I couldn't find it anywhere. I wondered if this was a bad omen of my prognosis.
The definition of talisman is: an object marked with magic signs and believed to confer on its bearer supernatural powers or protection. Since the cancer grew within me again while I carried it every day, maybe it didn't do its job? Perhaps it hid because it couldn't help me on my second bout with chemo.
But I believed it gave me strength, so I was sad when I'd lost my beloved little cross. I trusted in God and being in a state of grace, and I felt a little lost without it. I missed its continued presence and the calming effect rubbing it between my fingers brought me.
Yesterday, while watching TV, I thought my cell phone fell between the cushions of my chair. I reached in down to find it and instead discovered my lost cross. I hugged it to my chest, feeling great relief.
Is it coincidence I found it just as I finished treatment and started on the Olaparib maintenance? Is it a good sign? Have I moved into a state of grace, a state of remission, a period when I can enjoy my life without being treated for cancer? Will this talismen do its job and provide protective powers?
I'd like to believe all these things. I don't want to think I'm going to need it for strength because bad news is on the horizon. So I'm not. I'm going to go with the premise I found it at exactly the right time. At a period when I need the strength to get better and move on to the next stage of my life.
Believe me, I'm ready to do that.
Tina
Oh I love this post! My mom had a similar little talisman. Hers was a smooth, light pink glass 'rock' looking thing with a little light purple heart down in the middle of the object. She brought it to every chemo treatment and rubbed the heck out of it during every hospital visit. She always said its smoothness helped to calm her nerves. :-)
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