My disability specialist is one smart lady. With my input, she created a plan to reintegrate me back into work. Last year, when I heard the plan, I scoffed at the idea of returning to work three hours a day, three days a week. I was surprised at how tired I felt. But I quickly got stronger and my return to work went smoothly.
A week ago, when I talked to my disability specialist about this year's plan, which includes two weeks of three hours a day, three days a week, I felt a bit foolish. Even though my hemoglobin is still low and the treatments over the past six months have been harder on me, I felt a little guilty about starting out so slowly.
I underestimated how draining it would be.
I expected to feel physically tired, but I didn't understand how mentally exhausting my return would be, which adds to the physical component, which makes me mentally irrational. It's a vicious cycle. The work I'm returning to is very different and I'm still adjusting to all the structural changes taking place. Yet, because I've been isolated from all the flux and speculation while at home, I feel bombarded and unprepared to deal with all the conflicting and irrational emotions swirling around in my head and heart.
In addition, I feel out of the social loop. I've been at home for months, recovering. With my introverted nature, I've fallen into a semi-isolationistic state. My tiredness continues to contribute to this attitude. I couldn't even have a decent conversation with a good friend at work yesterday because it was the end of my three hours and I was so tired I couldn't even concentrate. As a result, I'm afraid I gave off the air I wasn't interested, which wasn't my intention.
So I feel like I'm living in a bit of a surreal bubble - and I hate it. I apologize to all those with whom I've been out of touch. I will try to get better as I get stronger.
I feel irrational, sad, frustrated and alone. I don't understand me. I even had a stupid disagreement with Michael last night. I regret not having a vacation with him to reconnect before I returned to work.
Yup, I've boarded the crazy train again. I hope the ride is a short one.
Tina
Please stop being so hard on yourself, listen to the experts but most importantly listen to your body
ReplyDeleteTina, It would be strange if you were not feeling so exhausted! Your plate is full, my friend. Cut yourself some slack and rest when you can, physical and mental rest, both important. I'm sure your friends at work understand. As with most things, we read too much into stuff that others don't give a second thought.
ReplyDeleteChief change architect here ....
ReplyDeleteNo need to apologize Tina. Every one at work understands what you are going through and no one thinks you are delivering anything but the best you have.
The work changes can be overwhelming for someone who has been here throughout it all, never mind someone who has been dealing with what you have been dealing with. Narrow it down - focus on what isn't changing and then focus on what you have been successful at in the past to leverage that to be successful at what you need to be in the future. All of a sudden it won't seem so overwhelming any more.
Remember, everyone is experiencing the change in their own way. Your way isn't worse than anyone else's. It's just different.
I don't think it is a coincidence that your return to work just happened to fall on the date we introduced a new team. It's a new you, a new lease on life, with a new outlook that is infectious for everyone, in a new team environment. Change means growth. It means life. It means evolution. It means development. It means future. I'm glad you are a part of it, even if it was for 1 hour a month.
Meh - even if you feel this way right this second - it won't last. 2 weeks from now this won't even be a thought! :)
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