Blissful ignorance

I almost wish I didn't know my CA-125 was rising. I kinda yearn for the blissful ignorance I was operating under, without the knowledge my cancer may be growing. I want to return to carrying on with my normal life. I was doing just fine, thank you very much.

Now I think about cancer many, many times a day, and what a reoccurence may mean to me, my family and my village. I fixate on every little twinge in my body. I even measured my abdomen yesterday so I'd be able to tell if the ascities was coming back. How sad is that? Instead of focusing on eating well and exercising to reduce the size of my oh-too-ample belly, I'm watching - and waiting - for it to grow. That's wrong.

On the bright side, a possible reoccurence has re-prioritized things in my life. As I predicted, I got sucked into the vortex of work. I'm working on a stressful, high-priority/short timeframe project and I was freaking out about it. Now I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working hard on it, but it's not my key priority any more. My life, family and friends have bumped work further down the list, where it belongs.

A good friend wisely reminded me on Wednesday that work will not be my legacy, and while responsibility is one of my character traits, I have to ensure I'm more responsible to me than to work. If I die (heck, even if I don't), no one is going to remember me for the awesome job I did on XYZ project.

It's sad it took my rising CA-125 for me to remember what is most important in life. I hope you take my illness as a wake up call if you're spending too much time on the things in your life that really don't matter in the long run. Remember to have fun, do things you enjoy, take time for yourself, and focus on the people in your life that are important. You owe it to yourself. Life life to its fullest.

Happy Friday.

Tina