The shock my cancer may be back wore off over the weekend. The overwhelming, I-can-barely-concentrate grief dissipated on Thursday. It helps I have lots of work to do and the activities of my kids to draw my mind elsewhere, shifting my focus to normal life things.
That's not to say I'm not worried or I don't question every aspect of my body several times a day, but I'm existing in a bit of a holding pattern. For example, I sat outside this evening, enjoying the wonderfully warm weather wondering if my belly is expanding. I can't tell. But worrying does me no good because there's nothing I can do until June 28, so I may as well try to live life as normally as possible until then.
But it's hard. Most of the time my rising CA-125 seems surreal. The cancer can't possibly be coming back, I think to myself. But my mind is also preparing for the possibility of more treatment, whatever that may entail. As a result, it also nudges me toward a place where I envision getting sicker and sicker, and then dying of this stupid disease.
I try to remain positive, but when I have so little control, I sometimes think it doesn't matter what I want or do. It's like this wretched affliction has a mind of its own. Hopefully some medical breakthrough does what previous treatments have not - prevent the disease from coming back. I also regularly pray for a miracle. Little old me still talks to God, even though part of me is still angry with Him.
My fellow cancer survivor, Nancy, wrote a great blog about cancer and anger today. Check it out. She captures the sentiments perfectly.
I know I'm rambling a bit tonight, but that's how I feel. My thoughts are all over the place and I'm somewhat emotional. It's all part of the process - one I wish I wasn't experiencing - and my current reality.
My sister tells me to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. That's easier some days than others. Tonight it's not something I can do. I'll try again tomorrow.
Tina
No comments:
Post a Comment