Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Grey fog

Despondent
Discouraged
Disheartened
Downcast
Melancholy
Pessimistic
Sad
Sorrowful

These words all describe the depth of emotion I feel sometimes. As a friend wisely pointed out last week (and I knew this), despondent - and all the above synonyms - are other terms for depressed. I know sometimes I sink into the dark, mucky depths of depression. When I do, I feel listless and I don't get enjoyment from my usual activities. I'm horrible company and have a hard time engaging with others. I don't meant to withdraw, but I do.

I know that's depression. And I also know I have good reasons to be depressed. I'm experiencing cancer for the third time in just over two years. I'm blowing up like a freaking water balloon. I'm facing treatment yet again. I'm getting discouraged about my strength (and medical science's ability) to stop this disease. I feel bad for my family and friends. I'm scared, sad, lonely and overwhelmed. Hello depression.

However, I don't know if my affliction is bad enough to mention to my doctor. I dip in and out of that grey fog, depending on the day. I don't know if medication would help - or if I'd even be allowed to take anything for it.

It doesn't help I'm so exhausted I could cry. Despite sleeping quite well every night (and without any pharmalogical assistance) I feel as though I've done an all-nighter. Those stupid, rapidly-producing cancer cells must be sucking so much energy out of me to replicate and create all the sloshy ascities. I'm working on day two of a headache and my squished stomach sends acid into my throat for fun.

(Aren't I a bundle of joy this morning?)

To counteract my melancholy mood today, I'm going to try to focus on the little, good things in my life - as long as I can stay awake.

Tina

3 comments:

  1. Tina,
    I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. I think you definitely should talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. Depression is a serious thing. I am so sorry this crap continues on for you, Tina. Hang in there. I know how annoying all those adivce cliches can be but, they are all we have sometimes. Hugs.

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  2. Nancyspoint, well said - I sometimes don't know what to say, but Tina, I just want you to know that we are thinking about you, and hope things get better for you soon.

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  3. Oh yes Tina... please talk to your Dr. about something you can take. It sucks but sometimes more drugs can be a good thing! I had to take something during treatment, I wasn't proud of it but knew I needed help. I would be worried more if you weren't feeling so many of these things, but taking something to help pull you out of the darkness that it's so easy to fall in to is not a bad thing.

    Hopefully your upcoming vacay will be filled with sunshine, bevvies and lots of cottage fun!

    Shannon

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