The crazy train is slowly pulling out of the station and picking up speed - and I'm on board. I have no idea how long I'll be on or my exact destination. I do know I've started on this crazy trip again, with my semi-irrational thoughts and overwhelming feelings.
I'm scared.
Spring is slowly coming. I can feel it. While the transition to this warmer and beautiful season makes me happy, it also makes me worry. The last two springs brought bad cancer news and the need to go through treatment throughout my very favourite season, summer.
While I had a check up this week, it wasn't a comprehensive one where they looked inside, scanned, poked and prodded me to be sure the cancer is still sleeping. Now every twinge, every ache, every minor complaint becomes a death sentence; a sign the cancer is choking my internal organs and killing me.
As a result, I've started thinking about my funeral, headstone, grave plot, etc. I've imagained how I would like to stay at home as long as possible. I've already planned the hospital bed we could put in our dining room so I could be part of the family interactions as long as possible. How incredibly morbid. But I can't help it.
Yet, I'm afraid to speak my fears. It's supposed to be an optimistic time, where I feel happy and excited. My appointments are going well, I'm on the wonder drug and I'm easing back into a normal life. I can't burden others with my fears, especially when they've got problems of their own. Even my husband is working through his back injury.
I feel I'm illogical and therefore I can't bring anyone else down with this. So I feel alone. (Don't worry, I've got an appointment set up with my social worker so I can work through some of these emotions and thoughts.)
This morning in the hot tub I almost cried because we didn't go on a vacation after I was done treatment and we don't have one planned. I got the overwhelming feeling it was too late. It made my heart sink.
I know I should believe and be optimistic because that will affect me physically.
I know I shouldn't think the worst when there's no proof there's anything wrong.
I know I should be celebrating every single day, because it's all I've got.
But some days it's difficult. Some days I feel crazy. Today is one of those days. But each day on this cancer journey can be different, so who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Thanks for listening (uh, reading).
Tina
As you know, not every day needs to be filled with sunshine and positivity. We are all a little scared sometimes... or a lot of the time. It's natural. I don't even have cancer and I still make myself crazy. I'm 23 and I think about how sad John would be without me or the reactions of my brother and Dad. It is morbid, but it's a real fear. As long as you have someone to talk to like your social worker, and you can eventually recognize that it's fear talking, and not reality, you're going to be okay. And damn it all, book a trip! What are you waiting for?! :-)
ReplyDeleteTina, I'm sorry you're feeling blue lately. So many of us totally understand such feelings, how can we not worry about this stuff? Don't apologize for your feelings, you are entitled to them, all of them. I know it's hard to share and talk about them sometimes. Open up to that social worker. Keep talking to your hubby. I know even that is hard sometimes. I'm hear to listen any time. Are you on facebook? or other social media? I find that a bit helpful...
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