Observations

I know I've been absent from the blogosphere for a little while, and for my regular readers, I apologize. I just haven't felt like I had anything relevant, significant or interesting to say. But it's a catch 22 situation, because I love having followers, and if I don't post, I lose them. In fact, due to the lack of comments on some of my posts, not as many people follow as they did previously when I was in the thick of treatment and recovery.

My life has somewhat stabilized on the health front, for which I'm thankful. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I worry a great deal about a reoccurence and what my life may bring. Sometimes, this is exacerbated when I read the blogs of or about other women who have travelled further on this cancer journey.

But I feel pretty good and have no niggling symptoms that make me suspect the cancer is back. Unlike last year at this time, when I started to feel different, I feel pretty normal. Of course, that's an out-of-shape, somewhat tired, "new" normal, but my normal nonetheless.

I find I'm also having emotional up and downs, but I think that's also part of my new normal. Yesterday I was extremely grumpy and touchy. As a result, I felt better if I kept to myself so I didn't rain my negativity down on anyone else. But I don't have a very good poker face - my emotions easily play across my face - so I'm sure many at work suspected something was wrong. But it was just me feeling extremely bitchy and negative.

I feel better today. Although I have to admit, I frustrate easily these days. That may be tiredness talking. I'm working more and trying to exercise. It may also be a side-effect of me processing the changes at work and the somewhat aggravating projects I have on my to-do list. I'm sure I'll get over it, eventually. Again, this is a great opportunity to practise my patience.

I thought I'd also share a few interesting things I've noticed lately about my health and body situation:

1. The wolfman. fuzzy facial hair finally seems to finally be gone. So no howling at the full moon this week.

2. My eyelashes came in, broke and are coming in again. That happened after the end of treatments last year, so it wasn't a shocker.

3. My hair is coming in much, much curlier than it's ever been. It's still pretty short, so I don't know what it'll look like in the future, but it's a very different experience for me to have hair this curly. I am learning how to style it, which requires new products and experimentation.

4. I'm back to being a hairy beast. After the last set of treatments, my body hair didn't come in as thickly as it was pre-cancer. But now it's all back, and I use my razor regularly. Darn.

5. The Olaparib side effects are now minimal. Despite the inconvenience of the three-hour fast around the pill's consumption, the only symptom I notice is some acid occassionally gathering at the base of my throat. I can live with that if the pills help me live.

So all-in-all, things are pretty good. I'm still anxiously anticipating my CT scan on April 12 to confirm my the-cancer-isn't-growing suspicion, but until then, I'm going to try not to think about it.

Tina