Paranoia

It feels weird when I don't blog for a few days, but over the last couple, I haven't felt like I've had anything significant to share. Even today, I don't feel I'm going to enlighten, educate or even entertain anyone with my words.

Today, I'm going to talk about this slight paranoia I've acquired over the last week or so. It's not a new phenomenon, because I think everyone who's been diagnosed with cancer develops a slight paranoia that every new ache, pain, twitch or bump is related to the cancer - and going to make the his or her health situation worse.

When I visited with Dr. W last week, I told him about this twitchy/sticky occurence that's happening with my right eye. Every once in a while - and especially when I'm tired - my right eye will freeze in a half-way position for a few seconds. Other times, it will twitch uncontrollably. I've experienced the twitching before when I've felt stressed. Friends at work would know when I was fretting about deadlines or projects when my eye would start to do its little uncontrollable dance. But this is different. And the sticking business is a new phenomenon entirely.

So why worry? Well, when I discussed it with Dr. W, he casually mentioned brain mets. Metastasis is the spread of disease from one area of the body to another. Say what? He's randomly throwing into conversation the possibility the cancer may have spread to my brain and is affecting my eye? Then he backtracked and added the culprit for my eye dilemma is probably the steroids I'm continually on (and trying to cut back on because we're concerned about side effects). But he jumped to brain mets!

Angie tried to allay my fears, saying the disease hasn't metastasized to any other organs and it's unlikely it would take a direct route to the brain; but the doc planted the seed about this horrible possibility in my head.

So when Michael noticed I had a funny bump on my forehead over the weekend, my first thought jumped to brain cancer pushing its way out of my head. When I woke with a horrible headache this morning, that started at my right shoulder blade, spread up to the bump area and behind my right eye, I thought brain mets.

I probably slept all curled up in a twisted position, I could be dehydrated, I may have always had that stupid bump on my forehead, but because I have cancer, it's not getting better and the doc made a mets comment, I'm now paranoid, thinking the worst.

I'm tired of worrying about the cancer in my abdomen that's squeezing my stomach, let alone even entertaining the thought it taking over my grey matter. I, and my doctors, need to keep our energy focused on getting the nasty tumours in my belly to shrink and go away. To do this, I'm going to have to try to squelch the paranoia the cancer is now frolicking into other areas of my body to create problems. Until I have confirmation from a CT scan or some medical test, I need to believe everything outside my abdomen is all fine and good so I can concentrate on moving on to the next phase of treatment. That's going to require all my energy.

Since I'm going to ask to switch treatment, I need to mentally prepare for the reprecussions of the new regimine. I'll most likely get Paclitaxel, which creates the nastier side effects and more depressing days. I also have to come to terms with the fact I'll effectively be starting over at square one as far as beating back this cancer is concerned. The Cisplatin/Gemcitabine combination has only stabilized the disease.

I know it's going to be a long, tough road ahead of me. But I'm digging in my heels and I'll do whatever I can to mentally and physically prepare for this new battle plan. And I'll try to squelch the paranoia that creeps up every once in a while.

By the way, the hot tub, a couple Tylenol and some Gatorade mostly alleviated the wicked headache, so perhaps we don't need to worry about cancer oozing out of my brain for today.

Tina