Tired and antsy

I'm sad because I feel tired, even after a decent eight hours of sleep. I know it's the chemo and my low hemoglobin talking. I'm well aware the restorative oxygen supplies of the new blood haven't had a chance to infiltrate my system. While at the same time, the knock-me-down effects of the chemotherapy are kicking in as the energy of the ninjas go to attacking those nasty cancer cells. I'm in a unique situation, and I'm tired. But I'm also tired of being tired.

I feel restless and anxious, eager to do something. But whenever I think of an activity, it seems like so much work; to take too much energy to actually pursue. Even going in the hot tub, which I love while I'm there, seems like such an ordeal. I need to get undressed, put on my bathing suit, squeeze my arm into the PICC line cover, make my way outdoors and slide into the hot water. (At which point, I'll luxuriously enjoy half and hour to 45 minutes of the therapeutic bubbles.) Then get out, dry off, take everything off, shower and go through the face and hair routine. It seems like so much work. Sad, eh? That's just part of a day for a normal person.

This Sunday stretches before me, full of hours to fill and I'm a bump on a log. I've been up since 5 a.m., I've read my book and chatted with my sister on my Blackberry. I've taken my handful of pills, sipped on some hot coffee and enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal. So I am finding pleasurable actvities to fill the time, but I don't feel useful.

I do have a London Knights' game to look forward to watching this afternoon and I think we'll have a family movie night. And besides tired, I feel pretty good - which is a blessing - so I should be happier.

I'm finding a restless feeling coming and going a lot these days. I get super antsy and restless. I want to hop in my car and drive somewhere, anywhere. The idea of a road trip is incredibly appealing. If only I could pack a bag and point my car south to head to Florida, Myrtle Beach, Tennessee, anywhere. I wish I could take advantage of one of those cheap all-inclusive trips down south and just escape for a week.

I know it's because I want to be anywhere here but fighting cancer. I can't escape it. I have to be here for all my treatments. I can't wander far from home in case some complication arises. I go to treatment, I come home to recover. It feels like a never-ending cycle, and one I think it going to take longer than originally anticipated. Michael and I plan to take a trip when I'm well enough, but that magical timeframe seems to be getting further and further away. So the feeling of wishing I could escape can, even for just a week, grows stronger and stronger.

In the meantime, Michael and I have planned a night away in Niagara Falls in a few weeks. It's close to home and has hospitals available if something goes wrong (which it won't, of course) but it's also a little diversionary escape because it's not home. I'll have to make due with that in the meantime - and perhaps plan a few more like that to quench my escapist feelings and save my sanity.

In the meantime, I guess I can use some of the long hours during these tired days to flip through the travel brochures and sites to plan a bigger excursion for that day - which feels really far in the future - when I can venture a little farther from home.

Your tired, yet restless friend,
Tina