Regrets

Since we're all human, fallable and make mistakes, we all have regrets in life. I was reminded of one of mine this morning and I want to share. I learned from it, and maybe you'll glean something from my lesson too.

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a couple of years ago, I learned a friend from high school was also fighting the disease. She was diagnosed a few years before me, fought it and then learned she had lung cancer. The doctors weren't sure of the primary site of the disease - the ovaries or the lungs - but it was taking over her entire body and she was dying from it.

My diagnosis was so new and raw, I couldn't even bring myself to contact her via the safety of the Internet for a while. I wanted to be in denial about where a diagnosis of IIIC ovarian cancer could lead and didn't need a living, breathing, physical reminder of what could happen. (That's also the reason I couldn't - and still haven't - joined any ovarian cancer survivor groups.) I wasn't ready. I wasn't at that stage yet.

Eventually, I mustered up the courage and emailed her, explaining we shared the same fucking disease and apologizing for taking so long to contact her. I explained my fears and how I wasn't ready to hear about where the disease could lead. She was kindly sympathetic and explained she understood. She gently shared parts of her struggle. We commiserated and it was good to talk to her.

She died about a year later. She was in hospice for a while and a person who was a friend to both of us was very involved in visiting and caring for her during her last days. I got updates from this co-friend, but I was never brave enough to go see her myself. In fact, I couldn't even screw up the courage to attend her memorial service. I gave the excuse I was in treatment and I didn't have the energy, but I should have gone.

I regret I didn't visit her. I'm sorry to this day I didn't go to her funeral to say goodbye to a fellow ovarian cancer warrior.

The lesson I learned from this experience is experiences sometimes don't coincide with your timetable. There will be times when you're not ready for the realities life throws at you, but you may have to suck it up and deal with them as they come. I should have visited my old friend. I regret not screwing up the courage to do just that. Now I must live with the regret.

I guess what I'd say about my experience, is don't be afraid to visit someone who is sick or struggling because you're uncomfortable with it. If you have a relationship (or want to even re-establish one) with someone, don't hesitate. (By the way, this is not me talking to anyone in particular about my situation, but speaking generally.) Time has a funny way of sneaking away on us.

Tina