Ugly

Today is a rough one. I slept terribly, woke with a massive headache and backache, and generally feel like crap. Tears threaten just below the surface. I feel I've been unwell for so long, I will never feel good again.

Of course, my mind is completely overexaggerating the situation, but pain does weird things to person.

In fact, yesterday morning, I felt pretty good. I went grocery shopping, bought all kinds of great food, worked in the kitchen marinating Thai lime chicken for dinner, and creating a delicious spread of cheeses and nibblies for some friends who visited yesterday afternoon. I love to cook, and I felt productive and happy. I mentally planned all kinds of awesome meal ideas for the coming week with the ingredients I purchased, and yet today I have no desire to even look in the fridge. I feel like a freak.

I think it's because last night after dinner, my body started acting up again, bloating and feeling sore. Of course, I took myself off some of my medications because I didn't like some of the side effects, which may be the culprit of my discomfort. I don't think my uneducated attempts to regulate my medication is working too well, and I am going to re-introduce some today in an attempt to feel better. Again, I feel like a giant science experiement that's gone off the rails.

Tomorrow I go see my doc, and I'll pull out the laundry list of side effects I've experienced. While they may not all be related to the Regorafinib, I can't rule anything out. These include:

• Upset stomach
• Gas/bloating (very stinky farts and burps)
• Diarrhea
• Sore, swollen, tender, dry, red hands (and to a lesser degree feet) - It feels as though the surface of my fingertips are covered in tiny cuts
• Headaches
• Tiredness
• A sore on the tip of my tongue
• Decrease/change in taste
• Scummy teeth
• Flattening of my personality/slower
• Irritable/less patient
• Less interested in things

I think my blood pressure has increased too, which is a potential side effect of the drug - and one the doc will be watching carefully.

I'm trying to be patient, reminding myself I had terrible acid side effects when I started the Olaparib, which we were able to get under control, but it's hard. I feel so worn down by it all. Worst of all, I feel like I'm in a holding pattern, and I don't have anything to look forward to or anticipate. I haven't felt content or joy or unabashed happiness in quite a while. I don't wake up excited about the day or activities in it. There are so many things I can't do and I don't get revved up by the ones I can.

I feel like I'm living on the periphery of my life, and I hate it.

So there you have me, in all my ugly glory today. I warned you it's a rough one. Maybe tomorrow will be better. One day at at time.

Tina