Thursday, July 5, 2012

Hardest to write

This is the most difficult blog I've had to write because this is the one in which I have to tell you I'm terminal and there may not be anything left to do except wait.

There is a loop in my small bowel, which is increasing in size and a narrowing that sometimes closes up causing an obstruction. That's why I was throwing up. The food had no where to go and it had to come up.

If they can get me to tolerate full fluids (which I am), I can get full nutrition through things like Ensure and Boost and we may be able to consider some chemotherapy. We'd be pulling the one we were saving in our back pocket (and it's time to go to the back pocket) and trying that - Carboplatin. But the problem with that particular chemo is it can compromise my immune system. If that happens, that could hasten death through pneumonia or some other infection.

So the decision whether to try another chemo will be based on whether it will improve the quality and quantity of my life. If it won't, there's no sense in trying it. I know chemo decreases the quality of life, but if it gives me more quality time afterwards, it may be worth it.

But we're taking it day by day and seeing how I tolerate the food I'm being given. Right now I'm on full fluids, which means cream soups, pudding, ice cream, milk, as well as clear fluids. It's going well with no problems. These are the fluids that can give me the nutrition I need to tolerate chemo. And we'll talk about chemotherapy at my doctor's appointment with Dr. W on Tuesday.

So long story short, my friends, I have weeks to months to live. I hope they're wrong and I get a year, but I have to live like I don't have long.

I'm telling you all this to prepare you for that blog where Michael writes I died and to give you a chance to adjust and contact me or see me if you want. Tell me today how you feel because I may not be around tomorrow.

I want to thank you all for being my friends, all your support and love, and for following my journey as it unfolded (and continues to do so). You've been an amazing village and I couldn't have done this without you all. So a big thank you, and lots and lots of love.

Tina

36 comments:

  1. I have followed your blog and am so sad that things are going this way. You are an amazing woman and I have learned from your abilities to cope with the impossible. I do hope that chemo can give you some quality time down the road.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that Tina, I'm holding you and your family up in prayer

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  3. We love you, Tina.Glad that at least you're still able to take in some nutrition...Hoping for peace and no pain.

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  4. I am so sorry for you. I am thinking of you. Gerdur from Iceland.

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  5. I will keep you, Michael and the kids in my prayers
    -Jason

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  6. Tina, you are the most courageous person i know. you have taken this cancer on and shared with us your expericences many of which were horrible. yet you would blog and find a silver lining no matter how slight and share.

    you are an incredible role model for not only your children but for all of us. you have faced so much adversity and yet you pushed on and didn't back down on the fight. you are extroridinary and an inspiration to so many of us! I have to tell you that i am in awe of your strength and perserverance. I read this blog and admired how even as you face possibility that you may not have much time left you think of others. You send a message to many to prepare them, thank them and send them love. I am humbled.

    I send you love and you will be in my prayers. xoxoxo
    Michelle Kerr

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  7. Tina, I can't possibly imagine what you have been going through, I don't know you well, but you are one of the most amazing, inspiring and couragous people I have ever met. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and wish you peace.
    Lyndsey Home

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  8. Tina, I have been following your blog for years and though we have never met, I feel I know you well. Your grace and courage astonishes me. You will be in my thoughts.

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  9. Oh Tina. No matter what happens, you'll always live in our hearts. You're one amazing woman, girl.

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  10. Tina,
    I would like to echo the sentiments expressed above. You are an inspiration to all, especially your children. Your courage & grace never waivers. You and your beautiful family are always in my prayers.

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  11. I feel like i know you my heart aches may you be blessed with no pain during the remainder of your journey

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  12. Tina,
    I think you know I have been following your blog for quite a while now and I just want to say thank you for telling your truths. I am so saddened by your words today. Please know I care. I am thinking of you and sending much love and many hugs.

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  13. This breaks my heart.

    I just want to will you well. I'm praying for you, Michael and the kids for some kind of miracle.

    xo Jen

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  14. Dear Tina,

    I will be praying for you and your family. Stay strong. You are a beautiful writer. Thinking of you.

    Sherri Clendinning

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  15. Tina, I dont know you but am truly in awe of your ability to have such an awesome attitude and perserverance through this journey that you have been selected to go on. I know that I could never be the positive, loving person that you have shown. The way that you have travelled through this is truly a gift to your children and Michael. I am hoping for a miracle for you. I know that everyone who has been following your blog has gained some insight and learned from the way that you have handled this every step of the way. I know that the "truly wonderful" people are selected for a reason and God has a plan for you.

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  16. Oh Tina - I have been following your blog for quite awhile too and I am so sad to read your words today. Big hugs to you and you are in my prayers -hope you feel better soon, you have been through so much....you deserve a little peace.....
    Jill

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  17. Tina,
    As everyone has commented, you are so strong and so brave. Your post makes me feel incredibly sad. I can't imagine what you and your family are facing now and pray that the strength and grace you have shown continues throughout your journey. Even though we haven't spent much time together, I think of you every day and feel blessed to know you.

    Love and hugs, Kelly

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  18. Even in the face of it all, you continue to show a depth of strength, love and inspriration Tina. My hope is divine intervention somes quick and swift to fill you body and soul and provide the miracle you very much deserve. With much love, Julie M

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  19. Tina,

    I am so sad to hear of this news today. You've always been one of my greatest supporters through my own journey of losing my mother, and I can only hope for many more months and years of it. If there is anything you need to ask about for your childrens sakes please know you can always do so. I pray things turn around and you're able to defy the odds. We will never stop believing in you!!!

    Love, Sami

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  20. Although I have watery eyes, I refuse to believe this. TTB will overcome the odds and come out on top...as always. It takes a special person to document your journey, and you are a true inspiration. I believe in you, your family, and your widespread support. Team Tina forever!
    Matt

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  21. Tina, I'm so sorry to read this. I will be thinking of you and your family. (((hugs)))

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  22. As many others have said, I've been following your journey for a while and your courage, humility and spirit amaze me. You are a total legend and I wish you peace and strength. So sorry to hear the latest news, If the battle depended on will power you'd be long better. Thinking of you and sending big big love from the uk. Caz xxxxxxx

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  23. HI Tina -- through Facebook and a mutual friend, I just found out today about your news. We use to work together at London Life. I too am saddened by the news and hope that through medical miracles that happen all of the time, this will change into good news that they fix this once and for all.My prayers are with you and your family.

    Kimberly Jans

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  24. My dearest friend and blood sister, Tina. Your message to me on FB and this blog has made my heart ache for you, Michael and the kids. Having been my best friend throughout university and after, I can say without hesitation that you are the strongest and most brave person I have ever met. You have fought this fight strong, my friend. You have given the researchers so much to help others by trying out all the clinical trials you could. Your journey has had a purpose and you, by blogging have given so many people strength now only in their journey with cancer, but the rest of us a lesson on never taking life for granted.

    Your life has impacted and touched the lives of so many people. Just reading your blog proves there are people you have helped that don't even know you.

    Live what time you have left enjoying your time with family and friends. Never lose your faith, my friend. Remember, the "Footprints" poem you once gave me? Surrender and let God carry you through the rest of your journey.

    I love you, cherish you and just know you have been such an inspiration to your children and many others through your journey.

    Rachna

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    1. Dearest Tina..I wanted to reply below Rachna as we all met together on 10th Glen. I cry as I write this Tina but I know that this was harder for you to write than for me to respond.

      I want to tell you that I am so glad I 'found' you again in these last few years. I know we haven't spent much time together but I want you to know that reading your blog inspired me to write my own. I am constantly amazed when I read yours at your honesty, your positivity, your clarity of thought and your amazing dedication to our 'craft' of writing and story-telling.

      Your vision for your life and your family has always been strong and positive. Your amazing dedication to finding a cure for ovarian cancer, for establishing Team Tina, for just being the sunny, warm and joyous person that you are - you should be very very proud of yourself.

      I have to also add that this totally sucks. This is not fair. This is not supposed to be what happens.

      But take heart my friend, that your life has touched so so many people. And you have created life in your children that will carry on and on and on, with the same positivity and grace that you have shown.

      And as your journey continues, just know that you will always be in our hearts.

      Michelle
      x

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  25. My dear Tina
    I wonder from where do you take the strength to write a blog like this and all the others. I take a bow!
    And I have my doubts that´s is the will of God to take you (the best and loveley woman ever)from your family and friends (and all people who love you)in some weeks, months, or hopefully just in one year.
    But I am sure when it comes to the worst, you will watching over us as the brightest Angel the guys in heaven have ever seen.
    You will allways be in my thoughts and I pray for you. And I still hope this is all a big mistake by Mr. God and he will fix it asap.
    So God, can you hear me? Its time to fix your error. NOW!!!

    I love you and will allways keep you in my mind!
    XOXO
    Renate

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  26. Dearest Tina,

    Reading your blog today leaves me full of sadness and with a heavy heart. you have fought this horrible diasease with bravery and courage and with the heart of a true champion.
    Over the years while reading your daily blogs I have often thought of what a great gift it is for Micheal and your children, you opened yourself heart and soul for all to share in your journey, what your children will take from your words is pride, they will also see how hard you fought for them and how much you loved them, it's an incredable gift they can keep with them always.
    Every year at the run I sought you out, because for me, you represent all the positive things that can come from raising money and working tirelessly for a cure, you remind me so much of my mom, two of the very bravest women ever.
    The irony of the date of this blog was not lost on me, it is the anniversary of moms passing, she too lived for others and adored her loved ones and was an incredable mother, you both leave a mark on every person you meet.
    Thank you so much for allowing me to share your journey, you will be remembered always, the greatest people always are.
    I hope that the next phase of your journey brings you some great memories with your kids and comes without pain just lots and lots of love from those around you.
    I will be thinking and praying for you all and when you get there, if you come across a loud and friendly Irish lady running the show, pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass of wine and know that you both have children that had the greatest mothers ever. You will be missed.
    Much love, Sharon Crowley

    " what we do for ourselves dies with us, what we do for others and the world remains and is immortal "

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  27. Dear Tina
    Reading through all of the replies makes me think there cannot be anything left to say... I have been following your blog for some time now and check on you daily. I just wanted to add my prayers to the others for the next phase of your journey. Hug your chldren tight and know that you have given them a great example of a strong and powerful woman. We may not have met but I feel somehow that I know you.... take care my friend and thank-you for giving us all a glimpse of your life, the good, the bad and the ugly. I truly pray for a miracle .... JoAnn
    I will miss you. j

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  28. just read this article
    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/08/health/in-gene-sequencing-treatment-for-leukemia-glimpses-of-the-future.html?_r=1

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  29. Every response to this most sad blog has expressed what is in my heart. All of us are lifting you and your family up in prayers. Know how deeply you have touched each of us. God bless you, Tina, and feel the loving energy we are sending you.

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  30. Dear Tina,
    Your spirit and love touches everyone the moment they meet you. Although we have spent little physical time together. I count you amoung the coolest and strongest women I have ever met.
    I pray for a miracle for you. This world needs you here longer.
    My love and prayers, Jaime

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  31. Tina,
    You continue to inspire scores of people from work, home, and around the world, you are truly amazing. Someone wrote "Team Tina Forever". As I think about that... Wow, you have created a band of volunteers that will persist until the end of time. That's awesome. Lots of prayers and happy thawts from my family to yours,
    Ed Moore

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  32. Dear Tina,
    Thank you so much for all you have given to us in your words, friendship, inspiration and honesty. You are a gift to all those who know you, and we are all better for it - I know I am. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers - praying with all my heart and soul. With much love, admiration and gratefulness, Christine W.

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  33. Tina
    I've been following your blog for quite a while now and was filled with sadness for you and your family when I read your last post.

    I admire your openness and honesty, in allowing us access to your journey, but most of all admire the strength and dignity you have shown in the face of such a difficult time.

    You have, and will continue, to touch more lives than you know.
    My thoughts are with you and your family.
    Christin

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  34. hey Tina,
    Cindy told me about what was going on and I can't even begin to understand what you are going through, but as I read your blog I think what a great legacy you are giving your children. You have handled yourself in a such a positive, strong spirit that is so inspiring to everyone. I want to thank you for being so welcoming to us when we moved here to London. I remember with great fondness all the mornings we spent together with Cindy and Dawn and the kids at Burger King and the park. I want you to know that are prayers and thoughts are with you. Hugs Marlane

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  35. I think everything I want to say has already been said...you are inspirational, brave, strong, honest, lovely, courageous, powerful, beautiful, kind, loving, open, tenderhearted, heroic....and you are in all of our hearts and thoughts. I don't know you but I love you and I wish you a safe and painless journey.
    Thank you for your encouragement to embrace life and it's challenges.
    Sincerely,
    Lynn

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