Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Nothing

Correction: This is the hardest blog I've ever had to write.

Dr. W came in today and I found out there's nothing more we can do except make me comfortable. I'm not strong enough for the chemo and it wouldn't do anything to improve the quality and quantity of my life. It would make what little time I have left miserable - and that's not worth it.

I'm now experiencing some nausea and pain because of the blockage in my bowel. Food and water do not have anywhere to go so I'm vomiting.

I don't know what to do or say right now. I'm in shock. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I can't even cry. I'm numb. So if you come visit me, I will not be normal. This is not normal. This is a completely messed up situation and so fucking unfair.

I want to thank everyone for all the emails, comments and Facebook messages, and I was responding to each one individually, but I can't do that any more. I'm sorry. I do appreciate all the compliments, wonderful comments, good wishes and prayers. They mean more than you could possibly know. 

So I'm going to take a few days without being hooked up to anything to enjoy the hot tub, swimming and the beach one last time. I'm going to fit what I can in the next few days because I will probably need to be tether to an IV pole and an ascities draining bag very soon.

I don't have long. That breaks my heart because I'll soon be leaving the wonderful life I've built for myself. It may not be the perfection that is heaven, but it's pretty darn good to me.

Do me a favour today, tell someone special you love them, eat something especially good and try to build a lasting memory. Do it for me.

Lots of love
Tina

34 comments:

  1. I have no words.....just an unbelievable sadness. You have completely changed my life...I do not have a terminal illness but every morning from this day forward that I am blessed to wake I will think of you and try to live that day as if it will be my last. GOD BLESS MY FRIEND...I LOVE YOU and EVERYTHING you represent.

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  2. Ughh I hate cancer!

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  3. Bless you, Tina, and your family.

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  4. I think everyone who has followed your blog will forever be changed because of this most recent entry you have made . We have learned so much from you and it's our turn to pass those life lessons on - by loving eachother, sharing with eachother and being kind to all those our paths cross.. We all need to pass on Tina's Good Karma! My heart breaks for you and your family ....may God Bless You!!!!!!

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  5. Tina, may your light shine brighter than it ever has before as you live each day you have as a testiment to the joy of love and life. Your grace, class, humor and strength is a blessing to all who know you and its what I will remember forever, esp whenever I find a penny, nickle or dime lying in wait, ready to be picked up and put into my pocket. Love, Julie M

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  6. It's the hardest blog I have ever read. I can't imagine what it felt like to write it. I think about all the people you have reached - many of whom don't know you, will never know you, but will always be touched by you. I've lost count of the discussions centred on your fight with cancer but more importantly your character, your resolve, your wit, your courage, your fear, your humility, your love, your wisdom. What gifts and blessings these are. Thank you Tina for everything you are, everything you always will be.

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  7. I weep. I will cherish that advice and tell Chris how much I love him. And tell you now, again, how much you mean to me.
    ~ Duane

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  8. I still can't believe I am reading this, I just thought that somehow, God would see the great mother, wife, person you are and somehow you would get better. It isn't fair! But know you have made a difference - for the fight for cancer, for the people who live our lives with more appreciation for the small things like a cup of java and food, and for the love you gave your children and husband - even before this nasty cancer struck you. And being so brave to share your ups and downs through this - and educating and supporting to so many.
    I wish you peace and love in the days, weeks and hopefully months to come. I will miss you and think about you forever!
    Kelly S

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  9. Cate in ColumbiaJuly 10, 2012 at 8:46 PM

    God bless you and your family.

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  10. Thank you for coming into our lives & letting us share this journey with you. I am honored to know such a remarkable woman. Love you! xo

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  11. I have no words...

    Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time... and hoping for a miracle.

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  12. So this "decision" is the hard part, but there is still a challenge to face: to take as much joy out of the time you have left. To focus on getting the most quality of life you can in the midst of pain and anguish. To not assume that you need to change the world of those around you in the coming months. Be assured, you have changed the world of those who know you, just by being the loving person that you are.

    Know that we are still behind you. You have touched lives -- more than you can ever know, for you've shared with and helped and changed people who will continue to touch lives of others in turn. You made a wonderful life... and you make life more wonderful for those around you. You will leave behind wonderful children, and when you depart, it will be with justifiable sadness that we lose someone wonderful.

    I am so glad to have had you in my life Tina. You made me feel welcome at work, you partied hard, and hell, you jumped out of an airplane with us at the drop of a hat. You lived life. You traveled. You had great toys (mopeds, motorbikes, hot tubs). You raised great kids. You are an excellent compliment, spoil, and partner of your husband.

    Many people could live three times as long, and not have your living. We measure life in years. We measure living in people, in experiences, in meaning.

    Life will be more empty with you missing from it, Tina, but in many ways you will continue to always be there. We each carry you forward with us.

    With sadness, with respect, with love,

    May you find joy in the time you have.

    Drew

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  13. Tina, I only had the opportunity to meet you once at Micheals Highschool reunion at Beal in June, You are an incredible and beautiful person and the journey you have been on brreaks my heart! Cancer is a Horrible and unfair disease ! My heart is with you and family right now during this most difficult time ever! I know that it doesn't take away your pain or hurt or frustration but by viewing your blog I can truly see what an inspiration, a beautiful mother, a perfect and loving wife, a friend and a most amazing individual you are. Thank you Tina for touching the lives of so many people. I'm saddened to hear of your latest blog and the news you shared, your strong Tina and you never quit believing and trying to find the solution to this terrible disease that is robbing you of your hopes and dreams, you are a fighter and a true inspiration to many! Thinkin of you and your family, praying and sending love, Kimberley

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  14. As I type with tears streaming down my face, I am so grateful to have been able to read your posts, and follow your journey. Although it is not the ending that anyone wanted for you, you have touched so many lives. You are a true inspiration and you have taught me many lessons. Please know, that you will always be remembered by your fight and determination and by all the lives you have touched. Thinking and praying for you, your friends and family.

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  15. I just read this entry to my mother over the phone. She is in Belle River at the moment. She says, "Thinking of you each and every day. Love Auntie Donna."

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  16. Tina, your words have touched my heart...praying for YOU your friends and family...

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  17. I am sending all the love I can your way. I am praying that whatever happens you find comfort and peace. I have no way to compartmentalize this, so I will shed tears for now and live vicariously for you in whatever fashion you wish. Bless you, Tina.

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  18. Like others have said, your words and your legacy will live on. Thank you for reaching out to me. I have only shared a tiny fraction of time with you but your light and your spirit will remain strong in my heart for a long long time to come. Peace to you my friend. Know that you have made a difference in this world and in my life. Love, Kelly T

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  19. Tina, I totally agree to the other comments. For me is nothing left to say, I am just speechless. I am still praying for YOU and your lovely family.
    With love
    Renate

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  20. I LOVE YOU! Spend the time you have left telling your family how much you love them, and don't worry bout us out here. We know how you feel. This is your time.

    I love you my dear dear friend.

    Wendy

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  21. May God take you in his arms and may you find comfort with him. I too don't know you but have followed your journey through your blog. I feel like you are a friend and I am saddened that your journey is coming to an end. You are one of the bravest women I have ever known, and you have such dignity and grace and love for your family. I will pray for your loved ones, and you, that you find peace and know that you have lived a life that people that live to be a hundred cannot say they have lived. God Bless.

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  22. You are such a special person. We love you and you will be sorely missed by all. Take good care and we hope you are pain free. LU

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  23. I dont know you, but i feel a connection since im stage 4. One day i will hear those same words. I get what your saying about life, its a life you love, know and want for alot longer. Heaven may be best, but i know if given a choice we all would choose this, to be with our families until we grow old. I will pray you get quality of what time u have left, perhaps more than u thought, and even more so a miracle. Enjoy the precious time u have, , your right, cancer is evil, unfair, and greedy. I so wish more of all the millions and millions of money donated the last 30 years went to resesrch and treatments, so no one had to die anymore. Instead many found another way to live extravagantly off generous donations for people like you and me. And.. We continue to lose those we love. Embrace your remaining time, i pray god intervenes.

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  24. Tina, I don't know what to say, Even though it has only been a wave or a quick hi in passing, please know that we think of you always and my heart goes out to you, Michael and the kids.
    Losing my step mom and dad to this horrible disease was horrible enough. They were older. But when it strikes a wonderful, loving, intelligent young woman just pisses me off. You have shared some of your deepest thoughts through this blog and it has made me realize that we don't know how long we have on this earth and to take advantage of every little thing.

    I wish you all the love and happiness in the weeks and hopefully months to come, and will think of you often. Stay strong Tina, no one that has ever been in contact with you one way or another will ever forget you, or the wonderful woman you are.
    Love always Deb and Paul M.

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  25. Tina - why isn't surgery an option, to remove or fix that section of bowel? Have you considered getting another opinion?

    That said, I certainly can respect your choice. I know my ladder is running out of 'rungs'. I want to enjoy the last months of my life as well, instead of feeling sick until the very end.

    I hope for peace for you and your family. I hope you are pain free and have enjoyable days making happy memories.

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  26. Tina,
    I am proud of you, all your accomplishments and all the amazing things you have done to touch others. You have lived life to the fullest... been an amazing mom, sister, daughter, cousin, niece, aunt, friend and wife to all of us who have been blessed to know you. Enjoy your family... enjoy your life. We will always be here for you.. in spirit and prayers. You are soooo loved.... I love you, Tina.
    Margie

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  27. Just found your blog and wanted to let you know I am saying a prayer for peace and closeness for you and your loved ones during this time. I was diagnosed last November, the solidarity is felt most during moments like this. God bless.

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  28. Sending you love, Tina. And thank you for the wonderful advice. Hugs to you.

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  29. Hi Tina. It is likely that you may not get on to read this and I am ok with that. I was touched and saddened to read a post from Margie (Nee Bryden) on FB. You may or may not remember me but we attended the Pines together.
    I have a little insight into the sadness that you and your families pain at this time. My brother died last year (far too young) due to "fucking cancer". Unfortunately he was far too stubborn to get checked out early enough to allow him to live longer than he did. But that is his style. I miss him terribly.
    My reason to comment today even though our last contact was 25 years ago, is to say that I am sorry that you are being taken down too early in life. I wish you and your family peace and comfort in the coming days...hopefully weeks/months...
    Peace

    Tim Smith

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  30. Tina,
    I really don't know what to say (which is a first for me). Thank you so much for the advice you have given all of us, for the laughter, and also for sharing the tears. I respect and admire you and your family and will continue to send prayers up for all of you. Enjoy every moment you have left on earth and when you get to heaven I'm sure my mom will be there waiting with open arms.
    Love and Prayers,
    Bridget

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  31. Dear Tina,
    I am praying for you and your family. Wishing you comfort and much love. Christine

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  32. Dear Tina,

    You're right, this is fucking unfair.

    I don't know you well, but for what it's worth, I want you to know that I greatly admire your grace, tenacity and authenticity. You're an amazing woman. Those you've cared about are better for knowing you. I'm sad for the life that you'll be leaving behind, but thankful for the life that you've lived.

    Jennifer

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  33. Dear Tina,
    I am so sorry - love and prayers to you and your family. Thanks for sharing your life and your story with all of us - take comfort in the fact that you have helped so many people along the way with your words....take care, peace and comfort to you.....
    Jill

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  34. With tears streaming down my face, I am sending absolutely all of my love to you. Today is my mother's 50th birthday, and Lord knows she's celebrating in heaven. It has been 5 years since her passing, and today, I can tell you truthfully that I remember her with laughter, love, and admiration. Your children will carry on-- I promise you. One step at a time, we are all going to do this together.

    Love, Sami

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