Correction: This is the hardest blog I've ever had to write.
Dr. W came in today and I found out there's nothing more we can do except make me comfortable. I'm not strong enough for the chemo and it wouldn't do anything to improve the quality and quantity of my life. It would make what little time I have left miserable - and that's not worth it.
I'm now experiencing some nausea and pain because of the blockage in my bowel. Food and water do not have anywhere to go so I'm vomiting.
I don't know what to do or say right now. I'm in shock. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. I can't even cry. I'm numb. So if you come visit me, I will not be normal. This is not normal. This is a completely messed up situation and so fucking unfair.
I want to thank everyone for all the emails, comments and Facebook messages, and I was responding to each one individually, but I can't do that any more. I'm sorry. I do appreciate all the compliments, wonderful comments, good wishes and prayers. They mean more than you could possibly know.
So I'm going to take a few days without being hooked up to anything to enjoy the hot tub, swimming and the beach one last time. I'm going to fit what I can in the next few days because I will probably need to be tether to an IV pole and an ascities draining bag very soon.
I don't have long. That breaks my heart because I'll soon be leaving the wonderful life I've built for myself. It may not be the perfection that is heaven, but it's pretty darn good to me.
Do me a favour today, tell someone special you love them, eat something especially good and try to build a lasting memory. Do it for me.
Lots of love