Saturday, July 21, 2012

Still kicking

Just because I'm dying doesn't mean I'm dead yet. Not that I've been doing all kinds of exciting things, but they've been enjoyable non-the-less.

I've been doing lots of visiting (don't stop or feel I'm getting too tired to receive visitors). I love seeing everyone, visiting and reminiscing.

Yesterday I went to my sister's again to swim in her pool and lounge around on her deck. Unfortunately, the wind was just a little too nippy and I decided to forego the pool. But I had a lovely visit with my sister, parents and cousins. If I continue to feel well and manage to keep a drainage port out of my belly, trips to my sister's may be in my weekly plans. Hopefully next time the weather will be hot, hot, hot and I'll enjoy dipping in the refreshing waters.

As for a health update, I feel about the same, if not a bit better. I've had more bowel movements and managed to eat more food. So that's all good. I am getting used to the Fentanyl patches slowly releasing their pain meds into my system because I don't seem as dyslexic and slow as before, both in writing and speaking.

Yesterday though I fell down. My legs got weak, gave out from under me and I went down on my sister's pool deck. It was extremely embarassing and made me cry. I've noticed I've been getting weaker over the past few weeks and Michael says I'm unsteady on my feet; but to collapse unexpectedly shocked me. It's a sign to me the disease is taking over in small incremements.

I'm also still sleeping a lot.

I'm also still struggling with how to create memorable moments with my kids. At 14, Noah wants to play on his computer and hang out with his friends. Tara, at almost 11, wants to play with friends. These are not the ages where it's cool to hang out with your parents. I want to do things with them, but struggle with what will be fun, what will they remember and what won't be lame. So we're talking about a couple of events we can do with the kids. Of course, heading to the beach and my sister's, the drive, the listening to stories in the car and the conversations are all little memories.

I guess little memories add up to the big memories that contribute to making a life special. Remember that as you go about your chores and activities today. It's all part of this big, wonderful event called life.



  1. Glad you're feeling well enough to avoid the port and have visitors. Thinking of you every single day <3

  2. Very happy to hear you are up to visitors and I can't wait to see you in about 12 days. Everytime I hear a Bon Jovi song, Joan Jett, AC/DC, Van Morrison, Aerosmith, Def Leopard or the Steve Miller Band on the radio, I think of our Big Bop days and singing our answering machine messages where everyone would call to see what message we sang that week. Remember? Or when we would take the train to TO or Wallyworld and change our names and identities? Good times! Lots of fun memories.

    Can't wait to see you. Love you.

  3. Tina, I am thrilled to read this and hear you are feeling a bit better. I'm sorry you fell down and felt embarrassed. Don't worry too much about making some huge plans for memorable moments your kids will remember. Just as you said, it is the simple things that matter. Your kids are "recording" all those simple every day moments into their hearts and minds every single day, and they have been doing that for a very long time. They'll remember. Hugs to you.

  4. Hoping to free up some time to get down to see all of you soon. Will call/text in the next few days....


  5. Oh, glad Rachna is coming for a visit. That is good news! Have a great time!

  6. Thank you for writing, Tina. Thinking of you often and was very happy to read this post. xoxo

  7. Hi-
    I found your blog thru another...just a stranger feeling overwhelmed by your courage. My mom struggled with OC for seven and a half years. I am a lot older than your children, but the one thing I wish she had done was to leave me some cards for the future. She did fill out a Grandmother Remembers book. Perhaps, you've already thought of filling one in. I don't know if they have a "mother" book, but a grandmother book would work just fine as it's really your story/likes/dislikes/words of advice etc. You don't have to fill it out for a grandchild really. As a mother of children about your children's age, your story touches me. And I suppose it's a little morbid to even post on your blog, I just kinda wanted you to know that there are people who think of you (who haven't ever posted before)and send you prayers for comfort and peace as you move thru your journey.

  8. Sorry- by morbid I meant...never posting/speaking with you before and then coming on to suggest filling in books. I meant to take that out and reword it before I clicked publish. My apologies if it sounded stupid. I didn't mean for it too.

  9. Hi Tina, I may be a complete stranger but I can relate to your situation bc I fought cancer four years ago. I want you to know ever since I came across your blog you pop into my mind from time to time and I say a prayer for you. I am hoping for all the bests and can only tell you that the one who lifted me out of life support and made a miracle in my body is able to give you one too, his name is Jesus. He has said ask you and you shall receive...... My prayers are with you. God bless you

  10. Little memories are what come back in our daily reminders and activities, and so I think they’re also the most private and accessible - very much like specific smells, or something a person said, or a favourite song. I hope the weather warms up to hot-hot-hot so you can swim in the pool very soon.

  11. It is the little things that are remembered, Tina. My mother's voice comes into my head several times a day with just a little "Have you got a minute?". I can hear her say it as well as if she was standing beside me....which many times, I think she is. We carry the people we love in our hearts. Your children will carry you with them along their own life journeys.

  12. How about having a family evening on the sofa? Ask the kids what movie or TV shows they'd especially like to watch, make popcorn and just relax with them. Can you ask them to help you organize some old photos into an album, un-knot some yarn? Anything that will bring you time with them. Can they help you bake their favorite cookies or meal? Any kind of project where they feel helpful and you can spend time together.

    If you haven't already, perhaps you can write each child a personal letter to be read after you're gone, at the time he/she feels most comfortable. This letter, which will express all the pride and joy they've given you, what you value most about each one, sweet things you remember about them when they were little, what you hope for them in the future, will be treasured forever.