Longer

In the back of my mind, I knew this would happen, but it doesn't make accepting it any easier. It's taking longer for me to recover from each round of chemotherapy. Of course, because I'm more tired, more dissatisfied with my appearance and further removed from regular life, it's hard to accept.

Those close to me notice the side effects strike harder and linger longer. I can see their desire to do something and notice the frustration at their helplessness. I feel the anxiety and disquietude, both in myself and those around me.

It makes me feel hopeless - at least temporarily.

But it's funny. Most of the time I don't dwell on the cancer or what it could be doing to me. But I don't focus on how I'm beating it either. I simply am. The emotions go up and down from dismay to calm assurance. I just live.

When my emotions are low and the pain is present, I'm sometimes pessimistic deep down, which affects my mood. While I haven't thought about dying and the rest of my life with cancer over the past couple months, it's risen to the surface of my mind over the past few days. But I'm shoving it back down. Am I in denial?

Of course, next week, when the sun is shining and I'm productively getting my kids to school, organizing their extra curricular activities, writing, cooking and enjoying the positive energy of being with people, I'll probably bounce back. I'll be back to refusing to believe that I'll just cease to exist in the near future, removing me from the lives of those I love.

Rest assured, the ball has hit bottom and, while it's rubber is getting a little worn and cracked, the sphere is bouncing back up. I'll do my best to enjoy the upward arc. I hope you enjoy your own on this long Labour Day weekend.

Tina