Overflowing emotion

I'm not sure if it's withdrawal from the dexamethasone, impatience and frustration, or just where I am in the recovery cycle, but last night my emotions went way out of whack. Instead of lethargy and withdrawal, I felt teary and contemplative.

It was good I was alone - Michael took Tara to her riding lessons and Noah occupied himself - in the dark office with my computer. My chest got tight and I felt so very sad. I lamented this is my life and I'm fighting cancer - again, damn it. I moaned about the fact it's not all gone (yet). I felt sad I had no energy or will to do anything. I felt sorry for myself, Michael and my kids. I felt without purpose.

It wasn't a concrete feeling, just a wave of emotion that overtook me. I felt afloat in an open sky of feelings, with no tether.

I think part of the reason I go into this emotional state is that I tend to isolate myself during the really bad days. Even when Michael is home, I turn into the vortex of my inner self, absorbed by lethargy or discomfort. I often don't want to do or say anything. It's quite pathetic.

Maybe that self-absorbed behaviour precipitates the lonely feelings when I start to come out of the worst of the side effects. I've shunned human contact so I miss it. But then again, I still don't have the energy to do much about it. What a vicious cycle.

I do know I was very happy (tearfully so) to see my kids last night, who've spent the last few days at their grandparents. They look so beautiful, healthy and sparkling. It's almost as if they grew in the three days I was recovering. I just want to hug them and tell them I love them. And they've been so helpful and loving since coming home. It makes me so very thankful.

I think I also mourn the sense of purpose I lose during my post-chemo days. I know, I'm healing, recovering, getting those ninjas kicked into high gear, but it's not my typical activities. It's low-key and mostly out of my control. And I have to admit, I like control. Although, I'm getting better at relinquishing some of those things over which I am powerless.

I also have no control over my willy-nilly emotions and my lack of energy to do anything. Life just keeps moving on though and it feels as though mine stands still; at least for a few days. Hopefully, it'll get back on track as I bumble through today, with my heightened emotions and my slightly sore body. Then maybe I can enjoy the long weekend.

Your over-emotional friend,
Tina