Limbo

It's not necessarily a bad place to be, but I feel stuck in limbo.

Chemotherapy treatment is over. My oh-so-frequent trips to the hospital now decrease. I take my Olaparib and monitor the symptoms. I rest and get better. But I feel like I'm waiting for something.

Due to the change in my antacid and the cold I had last week, I still don't feel I have a definitive grasp on the side effects I'm experiencing from the drug - and whether my doc can do anything about them to make my life easier. I'm still experiencing some acid reflex, albeit less. My stomach still gets upset, although it's mostly now in the late afternoon and evening instead of all day. And I still get headaches, but I'm not sure if they're related to the drug or to tight muscles in my back and neck.

While none of these side effects are horrible or debilitating, there are portions of every day when I feel generally unwell. I'm not sure if that will be the new normal for me with the clinical trial drug that may save my life. If that's the case, it's a small price to pay. But living day in and day out with this feeling is a little depressing.

Don't get me wrong, because I'm getting stronger and feel less tired, there are now portions of my day when I feel awesome (and mostly normal). I have to admit, I love those few hours when I don't think about my stomach, throat or tiredness and just do what I want.

Like I said, I don't know if this is how it's going to be or whether something can be done. Maybe the new antacid, Nexium, hasn't completely kicked in yet. Maybe I have an ulcer the Nexium will help heal. Perhaps something else can and will be done. But for now, I'll swallow my pills, keep track of the symptoms, celebrate the great hours and be thankful the side effects are relatively mild.

And I'll wait. I know I may have rushed jumping back into a normal life last year after treatment, and I'm so much more battered this time, so it's probably wise to listen to my body and doctor, and take it slow. But it's hard because I'm in that "what's next" phase and I'm a little anxious to know the answer. Again, I have to call on patience to get me through. I'm sure it'll all fall into place given time.

Tina