Wimp

This morning, I feel like crying. I'm such a wimp.

I think my downward spiral results from a few things, which have compounded into a very big issue in my mind. Of course, I'm probably blowing everything way out of proportion, but it's hard to tell yourself to be rational when your emotions are spiralling downward.

The rib pain remains. It's an almost-continuous pressure on my left side. I'm scared because it reminds me of the pain I experienced when I was full of ascities Yet, that's impossible given my fluid-free CT scans a few weeks ago. My stomach feels round and bloated; if only I could pop that sucker, I'm sure I'd feel relief.

I like to sleep on my left side because it allows me to cuddle up to Michael. But every time I tried to roll over during the past two nights, the pain would wake me up. Michael says I've been moaning in my sleep. So I'm tired, which can in itself induce tears. I admire those who are in continuous pain and face the world every day. Give me a few days of it and I get all weepy.

Of course, I think my emotional distress stems from the misconception that all the difficult parts of this round of fighting cancer were essentially over. I made it through the ascities draining procedures, the initial acid-laden experience with Olaparib and chemo, and the dark chemical side effects. After a week on Olaparib with no horrendous reaction, I thought maybe I'd be able to be on maintenance relatively unscathed. I'm disappointed and scared.

I think the root of my fear is the possibility Dr. H won't be able to do anything about this gassy side effect and I'll be taken off Olaparib. Where does that leave me?

Then a few minor issues add to my already fragile emotional state:

- I'm fighting off a cold that everyone else in my family is experiencing.
- I hit something yesterday and jammed the fingers on my left hand. My middle finger is swollen and hurts.
- I'm still tired and get breathless with exertion due to chemo, which frustrates me.
- I can't do all that much around here, yet feel overwhelmed with what I do have on my to-do list.

Wimp.

I see Dr. H tomorrow and I pray he'll be able to provide some relief and answers. And hopefully, my mood improves and I return to my basically optimistic self. It's a lot easier to face the world that way.

Your wimpy friend,
Tina