Tick, tick, tick, tick.
It's 146 hours until I'll be scanned and probed. The clock keeps measuring the seconds, minutes and hours until I learn my fate. I'm trying to be calm and casual, carrying on with normal life, but inside the pressure's building as the internal ticking continues.
I feel like this my last weekend and I have to cram stuff into it. But that expectation has also immobilized me into planning nothing. At the beginning of June, I thought I'd try to go whitewater rafting in Ottawa this weekend, but I didn't plan anything for fear I'd be bloated with ascities by ths time. Now it's too late.
Overall I still feel good. I'm tired, but everyone around me seems to be exhausted. However, it does erect a hurdle, because planning seems like too much effort. But of course, if I did schedule something fun, I'd get excited about the event and experience a burst of energy. How ironic.
Tara's friend's family embarks on an adventurous road trip next week after school finishes. Michael and I talked to her dad at soccer last night. We perused the atlas and discussed interesting locales we've visited. He gave us some good tips if we ever want to venture into the northeastern U.S.
The discussion made me yearn for a road trip. I'd love to just hop in the car and take off for parts unexplored. But my leash to reality yanked me back - work, school, graduation, soccer, riding lessons, medical appointments, chores, etc.
And while I feel this is my last weekend, it's not. I have many, many more to enjoy, even if I'm undergoing treatment. I will have time when I feel good. But this is the last weekend I can plan without knowing what my future entails. That's both a blessing and a curse. Fingers crossed, the expectation the cancer's back is wrong, and I'll be released to plan adventures (or not) until my heart's content. At least that'd be a choice. Undergoing treatment for cancer isn't something I'd willingly choose to do.
Oh, I know I have the choice to opt out of treatment, but medical interventions are still my best hope for survival. And I want to live as long as I can.
As for this weekend, I've now consented to a sleepover at our house on Friday night. I should clean the house (it's starting to bug me and cause stress too). Otherwise, I'm wide open. Any suggestions?
Tick, tick, tick, tick. Let's hope that's not the sound of a bomb, but a countdown to a benign reason for my rising CA-125 and an awesome summer.
Tina
"More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of" - Alfred, Lord Tennyson. All that we can be certain of is in the 'now'. Enjoy one moment at a time. Rest assured of continued prayer and good wishes.
ReplyDeleteTina - a free weekend is cause for playing in London. Start with breakfast at Billy's downtown town. Followed by a wander about Kingsmills and the market. Then walk on over to the food festival to take in the sights and smells of so many different options. Let your tastebuds do the travelling, if you can't this weekend.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if that dosent't appeal, take in a sunday afternoon drive somewhere local but different like Port Dover. Walking on the beach/peir, pursing the knick knack shops and ending with a perch dinner is something to pass the time.
Although I'm away next week, you are in my thoughts Tina. Text me or call me on my cell. I will put all my best thought toward a positive outcome.
ReplyDelete~ Duane.