Tumbling

As you can tell from my posts over the last few days (maybe even weeks), my situation is sliding downhill. In discussions with the homecare nurse last night, Michael says he's really noticed a big change in the past few days. I feel awful almost all the time, and that affects both my body and spirit. I also feel weaker and less able to cope with the physical and emotional aspects of this disease.

And I hate it!

I threw up again this morning, even when I hadn't eaten anything. But I had plenty to vomit, which leads me to believe my body isn't processing food very quickly. I'm upchucking at least every other day, but most of the time it's when I've eaten too much. Now I guess it could be whenever my body feels like it. Sheesh.

I'm praying once I start chemo on Thursday, it'll start to dry up the ascities, stop the pressure on my stomach and make me feel better. I hope it happens quickly, especially since after much circular discussion among various doctors at the hospital yesterday, I now have an appointment to remove my drainage tube tomorrow. While I'll be happy to be rid of the inconvenient - and potentially infection causing - tail, I worry about filling up with fluid. I still drain approximately 300 mL of ascities via that port daily. Once the tube is gone (and before the chemo starts to stop the fluid production) my abdomen will swell and I'll need paracentisis, which is drainage via a long needle and vacuum containers. And it's as yucky as it sounds.

I feel like a stone, sliding down the side of a cliff. The top of the embankment wasn't very steep and the movement was slow. But now the slope's increased and so has my tumble into the abyss. Let's hope for a leveling off soon so I can stop this decent, regain some strength, stamina and focus.

Luckily, through this entire downward spiral, I have the amazing support of a wonderful husband. Difficulties will drive some couples apart, but Michael is right here with me, rubbing my back, cleaning my puke, changing my dressings, holding my hand and stepping up in every way possible. You never know how your partner will react when faced with this kind of situation and I'm so blessed to have one who will care for me - in sickness and health.

I laid in his arms this morning after he rubbed my neck and shoulders to get alleviate a painful headache and knew he'd protect me. I felt weak and yet I could lean on his strength. That's unconditional love and I'm so lucky to be abe to count on it (even when I don't feel I deserve it) from my soulmate.

Tina