Capture the feeling

Over the past few days, I've received some emails from some cancer survivors, telling me they read my blog and applaud me on the ability to capture some of their thoughts and feelings. I feel honoured I can also reflect the emotions of others who are also fighting the battle.

For example, one woman, wrote she can understand my desire to focus on the here and now - the joys in life - but has also prepared for dying. She understood my funeral planning and discussions with my family wasn't purposefully trying to focus on death, but trying to make the possibility of it a little easier on those we leave behind. Like me, she's a planner. We're all going to die. Those of us with cancer just have it smacked right in our face as a truth. It's hard to be in denial when you're fighting and putting up with all kinds of crappy side effects just to stay alive.

Another woman praised my writing and commiserated with my depression. She shared deep, dark feelings also prevent her from doing things or tackling projects. She felt the inertia of the depressive feelings. It's one unlike any I've ever known and when stuck, it's so hard to figure a way out. It's like being smoothered in a black, scratchy, heavy, uncomfortable cloth. It entangles and refuses to let go.

I'm thankful for my gift to express my feelings and those of this journey. I hope those who read, glean a little more about the trials of this through my words. Although, I have to admit, sometimes I need help identifying the feelings I do have. I'm not constantly asking myself, "So, how does this feel? What do you think about this?"

Yesterday, with my social worker, she helped me realize I'm very angry. I'm furious with the cancer and its perpetual hold on me. I'm livid at how unfair this disease is and how I want to live - and not only live, but the in the way I want. Not existing, stuck in some holding pattern waiting for a day when things are "better." I'm agitated my hands are tied and feel as though I have to simply accept the feelings, treatment and side effects. I'm maddened the treatment regimen is going to continue on and on until I get a positive response. I'm enraged I may die way too young, way too soon.

My therapist also pointed out that depression is anger turned inwards. Yup, I know that. I just don't know what to do about that.

The good news is, I'm coming out of the dark hole. I can feel the veil lifting and my interest returning. I did a little shopping this morning, which made me feel productive and I have some lunch plans with good friends tomorrow. Now if I could only get my stomach to cooperate . . .

Tina