A longing to eat

I used to love getting a new issue of Chatelaine magazine in the mail. I'd flip almost immediately to the food sections to peruse the recipes and plan meals based on which ones appealed to me. I'd critique each one, assessing whether it would be a tasty treat for Michael and me. I'd examine each to see if I could actually get my kids to try something new and consume one of the concoctions featured (usually the answer would be no). I used to love to cook, eat and try new foods.

But since I had surgery for the perforated duodeum, and my stomach has been squeezed by the tumours and ascities things have changed. My adaptation of a (somewhat) low-residue diet has also affected my fascination and love of food. In addition, during each round of chemotherapy, I go through a few days where my tastebuds change/diminish, lessening the pleasure derived from food. Nourishment often doesn't have much taste and so I search for more flavourful options. That, of course, means I'm not getting the right balance of types of food in my diet.

It's hard to get excited about food under those conditions. It's challenging finding pleasure in whipping up a delicious meal when you don't really enjoy it. It's difficult to want to try new recipes when you aren't supposed to eat half the ingredients used in its assembly. As a result, my fascination and love of food has waned.

You would think with the reduced capacity and reduced desire to eat, I'd be super skinny by now. But my weight, much to my chemo nurse's delight, remains stable. When you're in cancer treatment, losing weight is a bad occurrence and they'd rather have you too heavy than too light.

I miss the enjoyment food brought - the taste, texture, social aspect. I loved eating, cooking, rewarding or consoling myself with a delicious tidbit. I've realized, I'd rather be a fat foodie than skinny and not enjoy the pleasures associated with eating. Food is such a pleasurable and social event. It centres holidays, celebrations and gatherings.

I long for the days when I can eat until my tastebuds and mind are satisfied - not just my belly. There's a big difference. Oh food, how I miss you!

Tina