Trying to be patient

Probably more often than I should, I find I get impatient with myself. Today is one of those days. This is the day I'm scheduled to feel better, to improve and start to be able to enjoy life again. Yet, as my hands shook this morning while eating my Cheerios, I got frustrated. I want to feel and be better so bad, I get impatient when it doesn't automatically happen at the scheduled time and place.

Then I feel I'm disappointing the other people in my life who desperately want me to feel better and rejoin them. I lament when I'm still not strong enough nor cheery enough to take advantage of the "good" days. Maybe it's because there are so few of these so-called good days that when I'm not at my best during one of them, I feel cheated and I feel I'm robbing my loved ones because we count on them to get a semblance of "normal" Tina back and use the time to rebuild strength to go do it all over again.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel better today, as I usually do on Wednesday. It's not as if I feel awful this morning. As I sit here typing, the sun is shining in my office window and I feel the slight stirrings of a smile on my face. So the dementors are fading in the streams of the golden sunlight. I think these mythical dark creatures also started vacating my body as I went back into the warm waters of the hot tub this morning. It was the first time since the doc inserted my port almost two weeks ago. I figured the area had healed up enough to allow me to enjoy the therapeutic touch of the pulsating waters.

I'm cautiously optimistic the darkness has been swept away for another five or six days. I need these days to recharge my batteries, reconnect with my loved ones and gear up for the next round of cancer-kicking chemo on Friday.

Then I have a rest week, during which I'm heading south for my third-annual Myrtle Beach trip with my sister. While I'm a bit nervous about the jaunt and my stamina, I'm sure the change of scenery and relaxing time with my sister (without treatment) will be good for me.

So the goal for today is to once again try to focus on all the good things and be thankful the darkness is dimming. But I'm also going to try to be a little more patient with myself, so I don't get so frustrated when timing doesn't go exactly as planned. I have so little control on this roller coaster of a journey called cancer. I have to try to be more satisfied with the best I can do. Considering the situation and the fact my health seems to be improving, I'm not doing so bad.

Tina