Only last night

Last night around 8 p.m. I started to feel somewhat normal. Now that's my new normal, where my mind is engaged, my mood has (almost) fully climbed all the stairs from the darkness of the basement, I have more energy and I can eat a bit more. I'm still restless, tired and weak, but I'm better. And while it's not the that state I'm hoping to achieve as I get better, I think it's the best I can hope to expect right now.

When I get to this state, I feel like I can continue with the fight. I feel like maybe I can be brave enough to face the side effects again.

But it was only last night. I get chemo again today. I haven't had the good feelings long enough to build up my reserves and prepare for the onslaught again. Hopefully, I'll have good days today, tomorrow and at least part of Sunday where I can capture just a bit more of the strength. I'm keen to get more ninjas circulating through my system to kill the tumours, but I cringe at the idea of going through the yucky, mucky side effects again.

Speaking of ninjas, I got a new one from some good friends visiting from England this week. My blue ninja sits on my desk besides my stealthy black fighter, ready and willing to kick some cancer butt.

Above I added the caveat almost when talking about climbing out of the depressive basement. That's because I don't think I am fully able to do it on my own with all that's going on with my cancer, the treatment, the side effects. That's why my family doctor, when she heard me describe the feelings of of being pursued by dementors and having all happiness sucked from my life, prescribed an anti-depressant.

I've suspected I needed an anti-depressant for a while now, and mentioned it to Dr. W. He was reluctant because it's a full-time medication that I would be on for quite a while. But I really think I need it - and full time. The whole world, even on my good days, has lost some of its brightness and zest. I don't get super excited and squeal in my head in excitement about good things in my life anymore. I don't have the same interest in the simple joys I used to relish. The whole world has a steel blue film to it.

So I'm glad to be put on this anti-depressant. It will take a few weeks before I feel the full effects, but the pharmacist said I should be able to feel some of its mood-lifting properties in about a week - just in time for my trip to Myrtle Beach with my sister.

And maybe, the medication will help make the post-chemo depressive days a little less dark. Hopefully, these little white pills will help me cope so I can continue to follow the best route to make the cancer die.

If you can spare some good karma or are inclined to say a few prayers, please send a few words to the Big Guy about successful treatment today and strength for me to deal with the side effects coming next week.

Thanks.

Tina