Change is good

After some frank discussion with Dr. W yesterday about quality versus quantity of life yesterday, we've decided to change my treatment plan - starting today. Instead of getting paxlitaxol every week for three weeks with one week off, I will now get a larger dose of the same chemotherapy once every three (or maybe even four) weeks.

While the research indicates the weekly taxol treatments can be more effective at fighting the cancer, my experience indicates I don't have much of a life when I am on this treatment regimen. I feel good only a few days a week before I have to start all over again. The side effects are harsh, and affect me both physical and mentally. And quite honestly, the whole experience is wearing me out.

Dr. W also said he has a woman under his care who is doing the three-week treatment plan and is doing well. So I have to have hope this will be good for me from both a quality of life and treating the cancer standpoint.

As Dr. W said, there is no point in fighting for my life if I'm not enjoying that life. He said he could give me drugs that would kill the cancer, but it would also kill me in the process. It's about finding the right balance.

While I'm happy - and relieved - we're working towards me having more feel-good days, I'm a little worried I'm not doing all I can to beat the cancer. But I have to get it through my head, this is a chronic disease, and that it's about managing it and still living as opposed to beating it.

I'll still have the yucky side effects (and perhaps even a few more), but once they're gone, I should have more time to recover and more days to feel good. Time will tell how this will all go.

I don't know if it's psychosomatic and my mind is playing tricks on me because I don't want to have chemo, but I didn't feel well yesterday and I'm a bit off this morning. I've also woken very early the past two mornings - 4:36 a.m. this morning - probably due to anxiety. I'm sure part of it is dreading the chemo and a portion of it is all the things I feel I have to do.

Tara is off to a Girl Guide camp tonight for the weekend (and I'm worried about her being cold and picking her up early on Sunday for the run), getting stuff ready for Mother's Day, being well enough for The Run for Ovarian Cancer on Sunday, etc. I know I'm trying to be superwoman and if stuff doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world, but I want to make it happen. It's hard to let go of control. But I have to accept I can only do what I can - even if that includes just sitting on a lawnchair at the run on Sunday.

It's off to chemo today at 10 a.m. I hope to be able to rest and sleep while I'm getting my dose of the cancer-killing chemical. If you can spare a prayer or some good karma, send it my way around that time. I think I could use it.

Tina