New terminology

Sometimes in life you encounter steps you take or boundaries you cross that change your viewpoint. I crossed the threshold of one of those yesterday when I filled out some paperwork.

I received a package in the mail last week from my disability company with a thick stack of forms. I had just returned from chemo and only gave them a cursory glance. I wondered why I was receiving them now and whether it was in my best interest to apply for these benefits, but gave it little thought and threw the paperwork on my desk to deal with this week.

Yesterday I took another look to ascertain the forms are to apply for disability benefits from the Canada Pension Plan (CPP) . From what I can gather, if I'm approved by the government, this benefit would provide a monthly sum of money for both me and my kids.

The terminology that changed my perception of my situation and pushed me over that new boundary was that I'm considered disabled and/or terminally ill. In the back of my mind, I may have mulled these categorizations over, but filling out forms and making it official with the government is a whole different thing. It's almost admitting I won't ever get better - and in actuality I may not - and I'm not sure I'm prepared to accept that just yet.

If I'm considered disabled or terminally ill by the government, I can get payments from the CPP into which I've contributed for years and years. And although I don't necessarily want to admit to those new labels, I want to supplement my family's income. Besides, I will probably never live to see age 65 when those CPP benefits would kick in, so I may as well take the money now and make life a little easier.

I still have some details to figure out in terms of how this affects my long-term disability, retroactive payments, etc., but I'll seek out those answers and figure out what's best for me. Part of me is excited we could have extra funds. Part of me is gleeful I'll actually get a portion of what I deserve from the government (because chances are they would have just been able to keep all the money I've given them over the years).

But all this means I must now consciously consider myself disabled (or terminally ill). A big step in this journey called cancer.

Tina