On Friday, I ran some errands including getting some groceries. You ever notice you can almost continually use something at the grocery store and when you go in to pick up an item or two, you end up with at least half a cart full of food items you suddenly need, want or find on sale. Each trip to the grocery store suddenly costs me $100. But at least we can eat well.
Friday also brought a trip to my family doctor's office to assess how I'm doing on the anti-depressants. Apparently crying jags over breakfast are reason to up the dose because she doubled it. She also theorized reasons for my depression, all of which make perfect sense to me.
- A long-term illness can create negative endorphins in the body. Over a period of time, they can lead to depression.
- The paclitaxol could be causing depression. Usually doctors won't prescribe drugs to counteract the side effects of other drugs. But since I need the taxol to kill the cancer (and don't really have a choice in the matter), this is an exception to the rule.
- A family history could be the culprit, but I'm not aware of any relative who's been treated for depression.
I explained the cycle I'd recently been sucked into: I am tired, so I don't do anything, but I'm bored, but I don't feel like doing anything, so I feel even more bored and unproductive, but nothing appeals to me, so I don't do anything.
She confirmed that's depression. I realized I have to try to incorporate more of the things I enjoy into life and try to find the joy in what is possible right now. Part of my problem is I now have this expectation that I'm dying so I should be living life to the fullest, and doing all the wonderous things and activities there are to do. But I'm not physically, mentally, socially, financially or even psychologically capable of doing some of those things (take a big trip, go whitewater rafting, etc.).
With me being in treatment, I also feel like I'm waiting around for life to begin. Yet this is my life and I have to find the good things in it each and every day. Although I still feel like I'm in limbo to a certain degree because I'm still in treatment indefinitely, having more time off between treatments will help me find time to do enjoyable things instead of always fighting the disease.
I got a little giddy feeling on Saturday, when I realized I felt pretty good and I still had at least two weeks to feel like this - or better - before I had to go back into treatment. That whole concept makes me smile.
So I've been engaged this weekend for the first time in a long time. I cleaned my house (it was disgusting), which gave me a big sense of accomplishment. I ran some errands, watched some Memorial Cup playoff hockey, watched episodes of a new and interesting television series and created some meals. This morning, I think I'll bake some muffins. Tonight I'll go watch my daughter's first soccer game of the season. (If I was still in weekly taxol treatments, today would be a bad day and I wouldn't be headed to the soccer field.) Yes, I'm still tired (but less weak), but like I said, I'm trying to engage more in life.
Yesterday, Michael and I even went out to dinner to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary. He's the love of my life and I'd marry him all over again - then, now, tomorrow. Luckily, he says the same thing about me, even knowing how cancer attacks our lives. I'm blessed to have him and I love him with all I am. Seventeen years. Wow! Let's hope for many more.
Well, this brief update turned into an introspective piece about finding joy in life at whatever stage. As I've said before, we don't get any dress rehersals. This is life. Make the most of it. I'm having a hard time following my own advice but I'm trying to get better at it; especially when I have more time when I feel good to do so.
Tina
No comments:
Post a Comment