Straddling the steps

I'm not sure if I'm headed up or down, but right now I seem to be straddling the steps of the side effects staircase. Last night, I bumped down a few of the tiers, feeling heavy and withdrawn. This morning, I feel teary and weak. My frustration on my physical and mental condition must mean I'm sliding just a little bit further down towards the darkness of the basement.

But it's Wednesday, my mind tells me. You should be getting better by now. To top it off, my brain is whirling and awake, thinking of all the chores and tasks I could/should be doing. My mind has a whole to-do list created because the messiness and clutter in my house is starting to wear on me. The seasons are changing, I should be storing away the winter coats, washing down the doors, and sweeping up the crusted old leaves that have gathered in the cracks by the front step. To say nothing of scrubbing the tub that hasn't seen cleanser in a couple of weeks and dusting the bunnies gathered on my picture frames.

I know in the end, it really doesn't matter, but at times I can't get my mind to let go. We planned to have a garage sale this spring to get rid of some of the clutter, but my health situation (and Michael's too for that matter) have prevented us even comtemplating such a big undertaking. We have tons of stuff we don't need and a garage sale would be great. It's just a matter of when and how.

My biggest problem today is weakness. My legs are shaky, my arms are heavy and my mind is delving into the dark recesses of sadness. I hate feeling so weak. I despise being so unproductive. I'm trying to move on but I think my bed will be coaxing me back at some point this morning. Even though it's Wednesday - and I should be getting better - I have to listen to my body and only do what I can.

Hopefully, this will be the last day and I'll ascend the steps to be a stronger, cheerier, more productive person. I only hope and pray that will be my reality and not just my dream.

Tina