Bumped

I know I shouldn't be disappointed. Yesterday, I lost the top fundraising spot for the Run for Ovarian Cancer.

I know all the money goes to the same great cause - research to find better ways to detect and treat ovarian cancer.

I know I've done my best, asking almost everyone I know to sponsor me. Of course, I'm also competing for donation dollars with my husband, kids, dad, sister, brother-in-law, mother-in-law and friends. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone to ask for support from people I usually wouldn't approach with this type of request.

I know I should be proud of myself, but a teeny, tiny part of me is still disappointed (How petty, eh?).

Don't worry, I will get over it by Sunday and be cheering for all the awesome participants and volunteers for their hard work and their fundraising efforts. We'll all celebrate.

In the end, the researchers, and ultimately the women with ovarian cancer who benefit from their work (me! me!), are the real winners from this event.

The Run for Ovarian Cancer is this Sunday, so there's still time to donate (yes, my last ditch effort pitch).

Thank you to everyone who is participating in or donated to stop the silent stalker, ovarian cancer. Every dollar raised can make a difference. A special thank you to all those wonderful volunteers/organizers who make this event possible. The amazing efforts of all involved are what make this run a success.

Tina

Fear

Today, I am afraid.

This morning, as it has for the week or so, my stomach hurts. While it mostly dissipates during the course of the day, it's an unusual symptom and worries me. My back hurts too.

These pains makes me wonder and worry if the ovarian cancer is back, or if the disease has decided to build a home in another part of my body.

All the cancer survivors in my group last night nodded in understanding when I mentioned my fears in light of my coming appointment. They all experience the same thing. One woman even mentioned that every pain makes her question her health. I get it. They get me.

I try to be positive. Today it's difficult. I have to keep telling myself to breathe. I feel I may dissolve into tears. I'm overemotional.

Cancer really sucks.
Tina

I love massages

Massage therapists are worth their weight in gold.

After a last-minute massage appointment Saturday morning, I felt better than I had in a couple of weeks. When booking the appointment on Friday night, I wondered if some of the pains I was experiencing were caused by tight muscles. I had to test my theory, if only to ease my mind. Of course, the wonderful benefits of a massage couldn't hurt either.

Jess worked her magic on all the muscles from the base of my skull to my lower back. She needed to use trigger point therapy on tightened balls of muscles from my mid back up. As a result, I'm still sore and bruised from the experience, but it's worth it.

The pain in my ribs (that I was afraid was due to returning ascities) lessened significantly. It's amazing the connection between the various body parts.

I hadn't seen a massage therapist in a couple of months. Why didn't I go earlier if it helps so much? Well, I only had one more appointment with benefits coverage until July 1. I was trying to save that one last appointment, but I obviously needed it now.

I may have to shell out some bucks so I don't have to go another month and a half without the muscle-relaxing benefits. If this weekend's appointment is any indication, I suspect it will be money well spent.

Tina

Friendship

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." - Walt Whitman

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity." - Kahil Gibran

I think I've been so wrapped up in myself lately that I've failed some of my friends. I've been excited about my vacation, worried about my mom and her chemotherapy, nervous about my health and wrapped up in my work. As a result, I haven't been a very good friend.

I am very, very lucky because I have many awesome people in my life. But as the quote above reminds us, friendship is a responsibility. It takes work to continue to cultivate friendship. I learned yesterday that I've failed a dear friend - one I don't want to lose in my life because she's a giving, kind soul.

I also learned from my social worker and my husband, that not vocalizing my needs could be jeopardizing relationships. How can others be there for me (and I'm lucky that people do want to help), if I don't tell them what I need?

This advice came when I shared a story about Monday night. I went to my cancer survivor support group, yet didn't feel connected. I went home feeling alone and in need of a hug. Michael had been working for over two hours, trying to install a new lock on our front door. He'd broken drill bits, scratched paint, had to cut away a piece of the door and had a lot of trouble. By the time I got home, he was extremely frustrated so when I walked in the door, he vehemently vented to me.

I understood his frustration, but his words hit me like a wall and I walked away. I didn't get what I needed, which was reassurance, love and a hug. My therapist said maybe if I asked him for that hug, he would have felt needed and useful (which the work on the door wasn't doing) and I would have gotten what I needed. That was a bit of an eye opener for me.

My friend, told me what she needed and how she felt when she expressed her frustration about our relationship yesterday. It hurt, but I appreciate the honesty because thankfully our friendship means enough to her to say something to me.

These two situations this week taught me that I need to work harder on my friendships and tell others what I need to help relationships grow (including the one with Michael). So what do I need?

I'd appreciate a little patience from others. I know I'm not always rational in my fears, but I honestly can't help it. I can't just brush it off or forget about it. Cancer is a cunning beast that stalks all the time. Some days I'm better able to deal with the threat of the disease than others. I know I'm a basket case and over-emotional. Other times I'm oblivious to others because I'm selfish or worried. Please forgive me. I'm only human.

I also need sympathetic ears. I try not to talk about cancer too much because I feel I'm burdening others or that some really don't want to hear about it. Sometimes I need to talk (including all my irrational fears), but don't necessarily know who may be receptive to the discussion. And yes, I know I repeat myself and am not always logical. I struggle with the disconnect between the logical and emotional mind.

Hugs always help too.

So, my lesson on this sunny, but cool, Friday is to work a little harder on the relationships in my life. My friends are golden, as they proved many times over. They make life (and the fight for it) worthwhile.

Thank you, my friends.

Tina

Nervous again

I haven't felt quite right for a couple of weeks now, which makes me nervous. I feel gaseous and bloated, which are both signs of ovarian cancer. I get full quickly, another sign. I also have some pains in my stomach and ribs. Bingo.

Now, I managed to mostly ignore them when I was in Myrtle Beach. Since my check up appointment is next week, am I noticing pains more? Am I once again being a hypocondriac, imagining symptoms that really aren't there? I don't know. What I do know, is this drives me crazy.

Especially since this appointment with Dr. P will probably involve a blood test to check my CA-125 level and a discussion. That's it. I guess if my CA-125 levels skyrocket, I know I'm in trouble. But what else will he do? Will he run any additional tests? I think I'd feel more comfortable having scientific proof the cancer is not back. Then maybe my brain will leave my body alone.

This fear of reoccurence is common among cancer survivors. I noticed in my survivor group that we monitor our tests results and anticipate our appointments. In some ways, I think we all live with a little fear that it's coming back - and we don't want to deal with it again.

I'm sick of complaining and tired of being scared. (And I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it.) But it's one of those steps on the journey with cancer. I feel like a hamster, stuck on a wheel of cycling emotions - hope, normalcy, fear, paranoia, relief.

Of course, if my cancer is back, I'll fight the fight for as long as I have the strength in me. But I just don't want to go through it all again.

So the anxious, sad period begins yet again. It'll probably last until a medical professional declares me healthy.

Let's just pray he does.

Tina

Grammar geeks

I am a self-professed grammar geek. As a writer and communication specialist, that's a good skill to possess; however, I think I sometimes drive others crazy with my fastidious attention to the English language.

I think Michael sometimes chuckles as I correct announcers on the radio. I listen to a local talk radio show as I get ready for work in the morning. The radio personality regularly uses the word myself incorrectly and I'll verbally correct him as though the air waves were two-way communication devices.

"Give Ryan or myself a call," he'll announce. Using myself does not make the conversation more polite, although I know many people incorrectly believe so.

If you removed John from the sentence, it would be, "Give myself a call," which most people can identify as incorrect. But adding an extra person somehow causes confusion.

"Give the book to mom or myself," is wrong too. Remove mom and the sentence sounds dumb. Give the book to me.

Unless someone is doing something for him or herself,

"I sent myself an email."
"I made the sandwich for myself."

the correct word is I or me, as in:

John and I sailed the boat around the bay.
Mary talked to Larry and me.

I'm straight laced with my grammar rules too. I abhor written sentences that end in a preposition (for, by, to, above, beneath, about, across, after, on, etc.), it drives me crazy when the wrong form of its/it's is used and I shudder when people use apostrophes incorrectly.

No, you don't add an apostrophe to make a noun plural. It's not apostrophe's, horse's or monkey's. Even when the word is an acronym, it's still just an s, as in TVs, DVDs, RRSPs and CDs.

I was shocked when I went to the opening of the new downtown London library and discovered its signs used the lowly little apostrophe incorrectly. Sigh.

While we don't use who and whom regularly in normal conversation, the written language really should continue to make a distinction. There's even an easy rule to follow. If you can answer the question with he or she, the word should be who. If him or her is the answer, use whom.

Who ate the pie? [He ate the pie.]

To whom are you giving that piece of apple pie? [It's for her.]

And no, it's not Who are you giving that piece of apple pie to? because the correct word is whom and the sentence should not end in the dreaded proposition!

Whom should you contact to get your own piece of pie? [Contact him to get a freshly baked piece of yummy pie.]

And don't even get me started with than and then, their, they're and there or compliment and complement.

The English language is crazy. Yes, I realize that I too am slightly crazy with my attention to detail. But someone has to do it. I feel slightly better because I'm not alone in my strident attempts to use proper grammar. I'm surrounded by fellow grammar geeks at London Life. If you can believe it, we even have grammar discussions. We regularly confer with our dictionaries and style guides. We love a well-written sentence.

We are geeks who believe we can improve the world, one apostrophe, comma or sentence at a time.

Tina

Not just good

A couple of years ago, I participated in a group creative exercise where we were asked to completed the phrase, "A good man . . ."

". . . doesn't exist," said one participant.

". . . takes out the garbage and cuts the lawn," chimed in another.

A third, added the old adage, " . . . is hard to find."

My answer was, and still is, "A good man is at home."

Last year while I was off fighting cancer, a friend reminded me of this exercise and my response. It may sound cliche, but I do have a good man at home. I'm very lucky to have Michael in my life.

We met just over 17 years ago at a St. Joseph's Health Centre event. Unlike many of my friends who were already paired up, I was single at 26 years old. I'd been accused of being too picky and chastised for turning dates down when I wasn't interested in the individual asking. I'd just given up the idea of finding someone and decided to have a good time with my friends. As the saying goes, just when you least expect it . . .

The story is a little embarassing (to me), but I'll share the highlights anyway. That spring night, I'd been consuming some cold ones with some friends before a charity dance. When I met Michael, who arrived with a date, my immediate reaction was, "Wow!" Later on in the evening, the beers started talking and I told him I thought he was attractive.

The next morning, I kept berating myself for being so stupid, for being so forward, for drinking too much. Little did I know that when he went to family dinner that afternoon, he told his family he'd met someone. I guess I made an impresssion even in my off-kilter state.

We started dating two days after meeting and have been together ever since. In a couple of weeks, we'll celebrate 15 years of marriage. I guess waiting for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now paid off for me.

Michael is incredibly supportive and loving. We've experienced our share of tribulations - Michael's ankle woes and surgeries, my difficult pregnancy, Noah's bipolar, ovarian cancer - but most of the time, they've made our relationship stronger.

Even when I broached going to Myrtle Beach with my sister, I didn't even get the words out of my mouth when he told me to go. He's a generous, kind individual and I can't even imagine my life without Michael.

I guess I knew with that first "wow" that I'd met my soul mate. I'm lucky enough to have not just a good man, but a great one at home with me.

Tina