Friendship

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends." - Walt Whitman

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity." - Kahil Gibran

I think I've been so wrapped up in myself lately that I've failed some of my friends. I've been excited about my vacation, worried about my mom and her chemotherapy, nervous about my health and wrapped up in my work. As a result, I haven't been a very good friend.

I am very, very lucky because I have many awesome people in my life. But as the quote above reminds us, friendship is a responsibility. It takes work to continue to cultivate friendship. I learned yesterday that I've failed a dear friend - one I don't want to lose in my life because she's a giving, kind soul.

I also learned from my social worker and my husband, that not vocalizing my needs could be jeopardizing relationships. How can others be there for me (and I'm lucky that people do want to help), if I don't tell them what I need?

This advice came when I shared a story about Monday night. I went to my cancer survivor support group, yet didn't feel connected. I went home feeling alone and in need of a hug. Michael had been working for over two hours, trying to install a new lock on our front door. He'd broken drill bits, scratched paint, had to cut away a piece of the door and had a lot of trouble. By the time I got home, he was extremely frustrated so when I walked in the door, he vehemently vented to me.

I understood his frustration, but his words hit me like a wall and I walked away. I didn't get what I needed, which was reassurance, love and a hug. My therapist said maybe if I asked him for that hug, he would have felt needed and useful (which the work on the door wasn't doing) and I would have gotten what I needed. That was a bit of an eye opener for me.

My friend, told me what she needed and how she felt when she expressed her frustration about our relationship yesterday. It hurt, but I appreciate the honesty because thankfully our friendship means enough to her to say something to me.

These two situations this week taught me that I need to work harder on my friendships and tell others what I need to help relationships grow (including the one with Michael). So what do I need?

I'd appreciate a little patience from others. I know I'm not always rational in my fears, but I honestly can't help it. I can't just brush it off or forget about it. Cancer is a cunning beast that stalks all the time. Some days I'm better able to deal with the threat of the disease than others. I know I'm a basket case and over-emotional. Other times I'm oblivious to others because I'm selfish or worried. Please forgive me. I'm only human.

I also need sympathetic ears. I try not to talk about cancer too much because I feel I'm burdening others or that some really don't want to hear about it. Sometimes I need to talk (including all my irrational fears), but don't necessarily know who may be receptive to the discussion. And yes, I know I repeat myself and am not always logical. I struggle with the disconnect between the logical and emotional mind.

Hugs always help too.

So, my lesson on this sunny, but cool, Friday is to work a little harder on the relationships in my life. My friends are golden, as they proved many times over. They make life (and the fight for it) worthwhile.

Thank you, my friends.

Tina