Down, down, down

The emotional roller coaster continues. It dipped way down this morning, leaving me with an upset stomach and a sense of panic.

As I soaped up in the shower this morning, I thought I felt a lump in my left armpit. I thoroughly probed the area, comparing it to my right one. After my mind let lose a string of profanities, I sunk into a bit of a funk.

Of course, it could be nothing. But considering I still have about a 45 per cent chance of getting breast cancer due to the BRCA gene mutation, my mind is swirling with the awful possibilities. Given that I had a breast MRI done in January (where my breasts were perfect) the likelihood of this being anything ominous is slim. But anxiety took root in my mind.

I thought I felt something in the left breast a couple of months ago and it went away. So I'll wait a week or so (monitoring the underarm area regularly) before I consider calling the breast specialist. Hopefully, it's some cyclical anomoly and will dissapear.

Naturally, I now feel as though the area is radiating a bright light. "I'm here, I'm here," it says. Combine this with the abdominal bloating and the random shooting pains or pressure in my abdomen, and I'm a walking bundle of nerves.

But my sister allowed me to vent when she called me this morning and I just talked with a friend, so I feel marginally better.

It didn't help that Tara was an emotional, little monster this morning. It was typically little girl stuff, but I didn't have the patience to deal with it.

Now as I sip my tea, I'm trying to relax. I'm trying to be positive. I think a slice of London Life carrot cake at lunch may help my mood. Then again, I may just be trying to justify the decadent treat.

I hate this emotional roller coaster, and what it does to me and those around me. I'd love to get off, brush myself off and say good riddance, but I think it's the nature of the disease to continue the ride. Though maybe one day, the big dips and spiralling loops won't be as dramatic. I look forward to that time.

Until then, one day at a time.

Tina