New day, new focus

It's a new day, the sun is shining and I'm more hopeful.

Yesterday was a bad day. I got stuck in the rabbit warren of negative thoughts and feelings. I wandered through its confusing tunnels with dead ends and oppressive, dirt walls. Fear coursed through my body, amplifying each ache and pain I'm feeling, which made me even more afraid. As a result, I was stuck on the hamster wheel of negative emotions.

I'm going to have bad days. I'm going to experience fear and doubt. It's part of the disease. It's especially part of ovarian cancer with its high likelihood of reoccurence and vague symptoms.

I learned yesterday from my therapist, that while I have fear and sometimes talk about it, I don't let it all out. I don't want to burden/scare those around me (whom I love) and therefore I don't feel I can safely let it all out of its cage. While I'm quite honest here in my blog, I still hold back.

Part of me thinks "Suck it up, Tina." I'm sick and tired of hearing myself complain, so I figure others have also had enough of the negative emotions and cyclical nature of my fear. But it's part of the journey - the not-so-pretty part.

She also taught me that by thinking about how others will react makes me true to their needs, not my own. Huh. It's an interesting observation but I'm not sure it's something that I can change about myself. I have to give it more thought.

My therapist also helped me understand that I don't have to let my fear control me. It could be a trusted advisor, giving me information with which to work. It can alert me to the pains and discomfort I have - and I have to listen to the messages it's giving me.

She said women typically tamp down their fear so they don't hurt someone's feelings. She used an example of a woman waiting for an elevator. While waiting for the car to arrive, a big man comes up and waits with her. He's kind of scary and her internal danger sensors go off. But when the elevator car arrives, she gets into an enclosed metal box with a man who's already ringing alarm bells. How stupid is that? But, typically as women, we don't want to hurt his feelings or appear weak by refusing to ride with him. That's ignoring the signals fear gives us.

In order to make friends with fear, I'm supposed to write a letter to it. By personalizing the emotion, I should be able to loosen its control on me. I don't let big, strong, overbearing people control me, so why do I let an emotion with the same characteristics do it? I'm willing to give it a try to see where it leads.

That's probably part of why I'm feeling better today. I have a purpose and a goal. I'm moving forwards instead of sitting stagnant in a pool of negative emotion.

It's a good thing to recognize emotions that are inhibiting us and discovering ways to use them to our advantage. I'm not proclaiming it's going to be easy or anticipating how successful I'll be, but I feel I'm taking steps in the right direction.

This cancer journey continues to be one of self discovery.

Tina