Nervous again

I haven't felt quite right for a couple of weeks now, which makes me nervous. I feel gaseous and bloated, which are both signs of ovarian cancer. I get full quickly, another sign. I also have some pains in my stomach and ribs. Bingo.

Now, I managed to mostly ignore them when I was in Myrtle Beach. Since my check up appointment is next week, am I noticing pains more? Am I once again being a hypocondriac, imagining symptoms that really aren't there? I don't know. What I do know, is this drives me crazy.

Especially since this appointment with Dr. P will probably involve a blood test to check my CA-125 level and a discussion. That's it. I guess if my CA-125 levels skyrocket, I know I'm in trouble. But what else will he do? Will he run any additional tests? I think I'd feel more comfortable having scientific proof the cancer is not back. Then maybe my brain will leave my body alone.

This fear of reoccurence is common among cancer survivors. I noticed in my survivor group that we monitor our tests results and anticipate our appointments. In some ways, I think we all live with a little fear that it's coming back - and we don't want to deal with it again.

I'm sick of complaining and tired of being scared. (And I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it.) But it's one of those steps on the journey with cancer. I feel like a hamster, stuck on a wheel of cycling emotions - hope, normalcy, fear, paranoia, relief.

Of course, if my cancer is back, I'll fight the fight for as long as I have the strength in me. But I just don't want to go through it all again.

So the anxious, sad period begins yet again. It'll probably last until a medical professional declares me healthy.

Let's just pray he does.

Tina