Suffocating anxiety

As this Monday marches on, my nemesis fear is singing louder and more beseachingly in my ear. I'm munching on my lunch, but I feel as though a giant tensor bandage is wrapped around my head, neck and chest, creating an uncomfortable squeezy feeling. I'm anxious and over-emotional. Yup, it's the day before the appointment with the oncologists.

I was able to meander through last week, feeling calmer as the week went on. I was super productive at work and was quite cheery. Then I had a great weekend, visiting with my family, attending a wedding and getting lots of outdoor chores done. The weather couldn't have cooperated more. I was able to bury my thoughts (and subsequently my fears) about what the doctors' visits may hold.

But it's too close now. My appointments begin at 10:15 tomorrow. I see both my gynaecological oncologist and the research oncologist. I have no idea what will happen at these appointments or what their outcomes may be. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up the new life I've created for myself or if I'll once again do a 180 degree turn that lands me on a new path (or makes me revisit an old one).

My sister and I have been comparing notes on the pains over the past week or so. The bloating and gnawing stomach pain (that disappeared last week, of course), could be an ulcer. The rib pain and discomfort may be related to the gallstones one of my CT scans identified. Maybe I've had a virus. Maybe I'm just too fat and my body is uncomfortable. The fact the symptoms seem to come and go perplexes us, for surely ascities would only continue to get worse. Or maybe we're trying to be hopeful and identify other, less serious medical problems that could explain the pains.

I guess we'll know tomorrow. Hopefully, the news is good. But even if it isn't, I know I have the strength and support system to continue the journey and whatever it brings. I love my life and all the people in it. I'm going to do anything I can to keep it.

As for today, while I know I'd be much better off telling myself there's nothing I can do until tomorrow, enjoy today and face whatever happens when it happens, I can't do it. The overwhelming anxiety is too immense to shove back into my subconscious.

So fear will reluctantly be allowed to tap dance across my mind and tie my stomach in knots until tomorrow. I'll try to distract it with meetings, my cancer survivor group and other enjoyable activities, but I doubt I'll be able to interrupt its dramatic fanfare.

Tomorrow will provide the results of my CT scan and some answers. Fingers crossed, they're good.

Tina