Against my nature

I like that every time I visit my social worker, I learn something new about myself. While most new personal insights give me something to work with to change my actions or outlook, every once in a while, I'm stumped by the discovery.

During my appointment last week, we talked about how I feared the cancer was back. She asked what I would do if it were. I said, I'd go back to fighting, of course. Although I did admit, that sometimes, my mind travelled down the road to acceptance of the eventuality of my death. I told S, that reaction scared me because I felt as though I were giving up.

Then she asked if fighting or giving up were the only two options. That question stopped the conversation dead in its tracks for a beat or two. I floundered. I could think of no other middle ground in the response to cancer and told her so.

But fighting is not in your nature, she said, revealing an insight she'd learned through our many sessions together. Again, I was speechless. She's right. Harmony is one of my personality traits. I shy away from conflict. I don't stir the pot. I don't generate discord. I'd rather have a reasonable discussion than fight. If I'm hot and angry, I shut down until I calm down before raising the issue. Conflict makes me uncomfortable.

Of course, she did say protective instincts would kick in and I'd fight if I had to protect my children (or someone else I love, I thought).

So where does that leave me? If I don't fight cancer, won't it best me? Don't those same protective instincts kick in?

Every piece of literature and supportive message I've read tells me to fight the cancer? I've never heard any other term. What else would I do? Dance with the cancer? Live with it? Accept the disease. No!

S pointed out that fighting is against my nature and maybe that's why I'm so tired. I'm doing (or thinking about the necessity of doing) something that makes me uncomfortable and doesn't come easily to me. I've contemplated this conflict, but I don't know how I could react any other way.

Huh. So where does that leave me?

Tina