4:30 a.m. musings

As I was laying in bed at 4:30 a.m. this morning, I tried to process some of the emotions flitting around in my head and heart.

I'm still sad and frustrated I'm here and will be for what feels like a long, long time. I had a little cry about the thought of being stuck here during this beautiful week and over the turkey holiday.

But as I was lying there, I thanked God I'm still alive. That's the most important thing. Now I have to heal and then kill cancer.

I asked Him for patience to get through this next week or so. Hopefully little things will improve that will make it incrementally better. For example, they're pushing for a PICC line today - apparently they're using more forceful language in the chart - which will give them a place to get blood and give me nutrition. Getting blood from me right now is like drawing it from a stone.

And perhaps I'll get more mobile, which will make it easier to get around and that will make me happier too.

During our little talk, I also thanked God for all the amazing support and love that's being poured upon me. I'm so lucky. Michael is here all the time, and Angie lots of the time, keeping me company, advocating on my behalf, making sure I'm getting what I need outside the little space I can reach from my bed, taking me for walks, rubbing my back, helping me shower and smoothing cream on my poor, dry feet (still recovering from the blister attacks of the Regorafinib).

Then I'm getting lots of visitors - my parents, in-laws, kids, friends - making sure I'm not lonely and asking if I need anything. I've also received some beautiful flowers brightening my room (thank you!), a funny card from work with lots of get well messages and some little gifts.

Then there is all the online support, which I really appreciate. I'm thankful I'm so connected through Facebook, texting, email and this blog because I don't feel quite so lonely. I know there are lots of people rooting for me and love me - and that makes me feel so blessed.

Bottom line, I have to be thankful. Even if I'm not happy about my situation, I am very lucky. With the sun shining in the little window in the corner of my room, I have to remember the positives in my life.

Tina