Time and realizations

When something crazy happens in your body without you realizing it, you then question every odd (different, slightly strange, major, minor, etc.) feeling you have afterwards. While I knew my stomach hurt and I didn't feel well, I never suspected my abdomen was full of infected ascities and air. I never dreamed an ulcer careened into my stomach creating a hole. I didn't suspect I was on a deadly path and if I didn't veer off it, I'd meet my maker far sooner than I planned.

So after spending all that time in the hospital - with no desire to return - I'm home recovering. I know abdominal pain is to be expected because the doctors cut a long incision in my belly, washed my abdominal cavity out and inserted two ports. I suspect the ulcer could also have caused some painful damage. Then with my vastly shrunken stomach, I'm still having great difficulty eating and drinking much. When I do, I overestimate its capacity and end up hurting. I also think I need the nutrients and hydration to heal so I try to eat regularly.

But I don't know what is normal, healing pain and what could be an indicator of a problem. That worries me because I don't want to end up in a similar situation. I wonder if the hole has really healed or is everything I'm eating ending up in my abdomen to ferment, rot and cause infection? Is this stomach discomfort normal after not eating for 10 days and it'll only take time for it to stretch back to a normal size. Is my cramping abdomen and aching back pain expected after my type of surgery? Is the bloating normal? Is heartburn typical? Argh.

To say my experience scared me would be a bit of an understatement. Now that I'm home, with time to process the entire hospital adventure, I'm even more frightened. I figured with my cancer, I'd know when I was declining, with time to say goodbye and put my affairs in order. But now I'm realizing, I could develop a complication that could pluck me from my life with little notice or warning. That reality fills my heart with terror. I'm not ready to go.

Perhaps my doctor's appointment tomorrow will answer some of these questions. Maybe time will heal and reassure me. But one thing is certain, I have to process my realization and new reality. And that may take some time. Let's just hope I have lots of time to do just that, and more.

Tina